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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Sister Monica asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"I want to be a Priest" said Liam, with an angelic look in his face.

"I want to be a Nun" said Deidre, her eyes bright

"I want to be a Prostitute" said Siobhan ...

"You WHAT?!!" exclaimed Sister Monica in horror....

"I want to be a Prostitute" repeated little Siobhan

"Oh thank the Lord!!," said Sister Monica "I thought you said Protestant!!" :mrgreen:
by macliam
Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:50 pm
 
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macliam

Now based in "Sylly Suffolk", I seem to have been moving eastwards all my life - but I hope to change that in the next year or two and fly south. I was a temporary resident in London (only 19 years) before moving here to avoid the millenium bug (remember that?!!)

"European" by birth, marriage and inclination but with a deep-rooted distrust of anything recommended by politicians and run by bureaucrats. I love language, history and culture (by which I mean the actual things people think and do, rather than ballet or opera) and my nightmare is to catch a train in London and get off in Athens or Riga without noticing any difference!

Always interested in saving a bit and eking out my shrinking salary in an attempt to claw back part of the £7.5k the banks have cost every adult in the UK.
by macliam
Tue Jul 23, 2013 2:20 pm
 
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Re: macliam

:wave: As said, the world is smaller and has been corrupted by tourism and commerce.
In 1981 I flew to Agadir in Morocco - it had been rebuilt after an earthquake in the 60's and was now like ANY mediterranean resort. I hated it and remember asking on the first evening "Where do the Moroccans live?" and found it was in a town some 8Km away.
Disaster? Not really, within 2 days I had met up with some people and we hired a car and drove (with 2 Moroccan friends) into the desert and then back through the Atlas mountains to Marrakech (which was already commercialized :( ) and back to the coast. It was my spiritual awakening - I had never seen miles and miles of absolute nothingness before! I was also amazed at the kindness and the openness of the Berber people I met. So many, many memories of what was only 8 days in my life.
The fathest place we stayed was a small town called Erfoud. There was no hotel (just a Moroccan guest house), the electricity and water went off at 2000 until 0800 and the only sign of "outside" life was a Mercedes Land Cruiser. Now they run coach tours to it :thumbdown: and you can fly Ryanair to Marrakech for the weekend. :crazy:
by macliam
Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:12 am
 
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Re: Eric Pickles is lying again just to make the Tories liked b

If they actually enforced the rules of the road it would be good. On the adopted road leading to my house, we regularly have idiots parking outside the front of their houses on a roundabout, although all the houses have garages and parking at the rear. What kind of idiot thinks that parking on a roundabout is allowed?

Of course (and another pet hate) they park half on the pavement so they can't be accused of obstruction!
by macliam
Sun Aug 04, 2013 10:19 am
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Never go to a resort surrounded by pine forests. ;)

No beech. :roll:
by macliam
Tue Aug 20, 2013 9:29 am
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

"But Grandma, I don't want to go on an official visit to Alaska!" said Prince Harry "It's too cold!!"
The Queen replied, "Wear the fox hat"
"Near Canada" said Harry :D
by macliam
Tue Aug 20, 2013 9:35 am
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Seamus was hosting his Texan cousin on the farm in Mayo and was a bit jaded by his guests continuous comparisons with things "back home in the US".

Rolling home from the pub, the cousin says "You know, back home my ranch is so big, why, I can get in my car at dawn and drive until nightfall and still be on my own land!"

Wihout batting an eye, Seamus replies "Sure, I once had a car like that too!" :mrgreen:
by macliam
Tue Aug 20, 2013 10:57 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

(Last one of the night :silent: )

Seamus went to visit his dog's grave.

So he called his cousin and said "D'ye know there's a fella of 136 buried by the side of the road?" :?

"Ye wha'," says the cousin "By the side of the road? Did he have no family?" :eh:

"Not around here anyways" says Seamus "All it says on his gravestone is "Miles from Dublin" :mrgreen:


Goodnight - and may your God go with you.... :wave:
by macliam
Wed Aug 21, 2013 9:40 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

... but back to Seamus.

There he was, in the country, with only his old jack russell for company - and then the dog dies.

So Seamus goes to the Priest and says "Father Murphy, would ye say a mass for me poor old dog's repose"

"Ah now, Seamus" says the Priest "we can't be saying prayers for animals in the church. But why don't yez go down to the Baptists - God knows what they believe!"

"That's grand" says Seamus "do you think 5000 euros will cover the expenses?"

"Sweet Mother of Jaysus," says Father Murphy "why didn't ye tell me the poor little mite was a Catholic!" :mrgreen:
by macliam
Wed Aug 21, 2013 8:37 pm
 
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Re: Should we promote Pay Day loan companies?

I have voted no. The Royal Engineers had a tag motto "Honi saeque male asbestos" - dog-latin for "blow you Jack, I'm fireproof" and I sense that sentiment amongst some here...... but it's not for me.

After nearly forty years work, I'm doing OK and, yes, I can "do the math" sufficiently to be solvent and debt free in the years before retirement. But I'm patently not one of Thatcher's children, because I still believe we have a duty to protect the weak - and my moral compass certainly precludes me from profiting via the vultures who prey on them.

More for you, I'm out.
by macliam
Thu Aug 22, 2013 7:43 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

"What do the Irish do about our "Irishman" jokes?" asked Nigel

"Ara, we tell them about the Kerryman" said Seamus :thumbup:

"OK, so what do people in Kerry do about "Kerryman" jokes then?" asked Nigel :?

"They put them into books and sell them to Englishmen" said Seamus :mrgreen:
by macliam
Thu Aug 22, 2013 9:01 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Second cousin Nigel was visiting Seamus from over the water. One day they went for a walk by the lough.

"Ah, you Irish," said Nigel "take away the peace and quiet, the fresh air, the beautiful countryside, the relaxed way of life and the friendly locals and what would you have?"

"England" said Seamus :mrgreen:
by macliam
Thu Aug 22, 2013 9:54 am
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

At a depth of 100 metres, English archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and concluded that their ancestors had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. :think:
Not to be outdone, Scottish archaeologists dug down to 200 metres and found traces of fibre-optic cable which they dated back 2000 years - and the Daily Record reported that the Picts already had a digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English. :eh:

Seeing this, Professor O'Carroll published the results of his dig in Co. Mayo. Having excavated 500 metres down through bogland he had found absolutely nothing. This was proof, he said, that well before the destruction wrought by the English invasions the ancient Gaels were already using wireless technology! :mrgreen:
by macliam
Thu Aug 22, 2013 9:49 am
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Seamus went off to visit his cousin in Dublin, but got lost. He arrived at the house in the middle of the night and near woke the neighbourhood trying to get in.

He spotted a brass gong hanging on the wall -"what's that yoke?" he asked

"Ara, that's me speakin' clock" says cousin Mickeen "I'll show ye"

So he takes the wooden mallet and bangs seven sorts out of the gong

.............and a voice from the other side of the wall shouts "For Chrissakes, not again - It's 3:15 in the morning!! :mrgreen:
by macliam
Wed Aug 21, 2013 8:52 pm
 
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Re: Should we promote Pay Day loan companies?

Morality is subjective to your own values
And legality is probably higher than Morals

Off topic:

Philosophy, but wrong (philosophically) :think:

a) Morality and legality are not reflective of each other:
It is not illegal to engage in a clandestine affaire, but many people would think it immoral.
It is not immoral to drive with your seat belt undone, but it is illegal.

b) Morality reflects personal and social ethics and whilst not enforced, it forms the fabric of society.
Legality is a system imposed by the powerful to control the weak, in the guise of a system to enforce morality.
However, since Legality claims to be the enforcement of Morality, Morality must come first (or is higher)

On topic:
by macliam
Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:09 pm
 
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Re: Hello all

blythburgh wrote:Hello and welcome. If you have any questions please ask. We are a friendly lot and we remember what it was like to be a confused newbie

..................some of us still are :?

Welcome :wave:
by macliam
Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:25 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Mastermind was being filmed in Kilrush, so Seamus applied - and to his surprise he was selected. :shock:
So he had to think of something he could answer questions about - and he decided on the Easter Rising, 1916. :think:

His turn came up and the first question was asked
"Who led the Easter Rising in 1916?" - "Pass", said Seamus
"How many men were involved in the Easter rising, 1916?" - "Pass", said Seamus
"How long did the Easter Rising last?" - "Pass, said Seamus
................ and a voice came from the audience "That's right boy, tell 'em nothing!" :mrgreen:
by macliam
Sat Aug 24, 2013 2:00 pm
 
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Re: Council parking profits jump £54m

These revenues aren't just fines (although they are included); the annoyance is mainly the ever increasing standard parking fees, charges for permits, etc. In some cases these are imposed on roads that previously had free parking.
When I moved to this area 13 years ago, there were (at least) 3 free car parks in Woodbridge and the cost in the others was a pittance (Max 30p IIRC). The maximum has now increased by 400% and there are no free car parks - just 6 one-hour spaces near the shops. Meanwhile the "new" library (= old schoolhouse) has been sited on a nice pay car-park, whilst the "old" library has been sold off and replaced by nice expensive housing (social what?) - oh and the supermarket car park has been coverted to a pay park too.

For some reason, trade in town has dropped off. Can't start to imagine why :think:
by macliam
Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:50 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Pat and Mick were off deer hunting in Canada. They slogged back to the landing strip to meet the small plane back to civilization, but the pilot said he would only take three of the deer they had, due to weight restrictions.

But Pat wasn't taking any of that, "But, sure we did the same trip last year and we took all six deer back with us" he said.

So the pilot agreed to take all the deer with them and they took off. But about an hour later, he was unable to gain enough height to cross the mountain peaks and he crashed into the forest.

Pat and Mick were cushioned by the deer carcases and got out of the wreckage to look around.

"Where d'ye think we are?" asked Pat :think:

"Oh, I'd say we're not too far from where we crashed last time", said Mick :wtf:
by macliam
Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:34 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

"Would ye have any work for a handyman?" asked Padraig.

"Well it depends what you can do" said the Manager "Are you any good at plumbing?"
"No Sir" said Padraig

"So what about electrics - are you good there?"
"No Sir" said Padraig

"OK, what about painting and decorating - are you good at that?"
"No Sir" said Padraig

"Well, you don't seem to have many skills," said the Manager, "What makes you think you're a handyman?" :?

"Well, I just live down the street!" said Padraig :mrgreen:
by macliam
Mon Sep 02, 2013 4:11 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Sean was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least half a stone!"

Sean went back 2 weeks later and the doctor was shocked to see he had lost 4 stones!

"That's amazing!," said the doctor said, "did you follow my instructions to the letter?"

"Indeed I did," said Sean "but I thought I'd die on the third day!!"

"What from not eating?" asked the doctor

"No, from all that skippin'" said Sean :mrgreen:
by macliam
Thu Sep 05, 2013 4:28 pm
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Sign in a London bar "HAPPY HOUR - ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR £10"

"Give me £20 worth" said Ciaran...................
by macliam
Sat Sep 07, 2013 9:59 am
 
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

"So Ciaran," said the man, "Ye didn't pull the curtains last night and I saw you in bed with your wife!" :lol:

"The joke's on you!, said Ciaran, "I wasn't home last night!!" :mrgreen:
by macliam
Sun Sep 08, 2013 11:29 am
 
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Re: Council parking profits jump £54m

wish they would do something about all the motorists who park on the pavement, especially on bin day ,also cracking the paving stones making it dangerous for pedestrians to walk
In Brent this is (was?) subject to prosecution under by-law. Someone I know got fined £60 for doing just this on the Harrow Road some 10 or more years ago...... and he got no sympathy from me - I have a 7" scar on my arm to remind me of the pleasures of being a pedestrian in London :(

So I take it that this is in the hands of the local councils too - in which case I'd be surprised if it isn't enforced (ahem) "For the good of the community" (ahem). More cash for the cash-strapped :silent:
by macliam
Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:44 pm
 
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