Clean jokes - post 'em here

[macliam]

So, the doctor says to me

"Why is it that when I ask you a question, you answer me with another question?"

"Like how?" says I

[macliam]

Some Guinness got spilled on the barroom floor and the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor, then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar, ‘Bring on that goddamn cat!’

[kevinchess1]

I have a chicken-proof lawn.
Its impeccable.

[kevinchess1]

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

[kevinchess1]

A 13-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter.
The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. “Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.” “Oh, cmon. You can’t just slide me one?”
“Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.”
“Fine. Well, what other things do you have?”
“Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?”
“Pop.” Goes the weasel

[kevinchess1]

My local Bistro has roast badger and all the trimmings on their menu
It's the sett menu

[kevinchess1]

Two monkeys in a bath and one says "OOOOH. OOOH OOOH OOOH"!
So the other one says "Well put some cold in thent".

[kevinchess1]

(In MorrisMen)
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
Assistant 'No, why do you ask?'
CARROT: 'Yeah, why do you ask?'

[macliam]

Late one Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........BUMP........ BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning the corner.

BUMP........BUMP........ BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly..It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........BUMP........ BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP, BUMP....... BUMP, BUMP....... BUMP, BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.…. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.….BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.….
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......

BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.….BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.….BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair......

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached into his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it at the coffin ........ still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his Boots first aid kit and threw it ..... still the coffin kept coming......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benylin and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

[Chadwick]

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I dislike, explaining why their actions upset me, and then burn them.

I've done it.

Now I'm wondering what to do with this big pile of letters.