imutual.co.uk

If pigs could fly, bacon would go up.

I told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me!

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

'You are so lazy!' said the wife as we were shopping in Asda.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley

Keep your Jacket potatoes wrapped in tin foil and in a cupboard, these are a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

Richard was out shooting rabbit todays
Much to the annoyance of the owners of the petting zoo

Years ago I was so depressed I actually watched a Ronnie Corbett sitcom,
Boy was that a Sorry episode.

Proper punctuation is the difference between a sentence that is well-written and a sentence that is, well, written.

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone has black coffee.

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'