Over 18s jokes - post here

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Mon Jul 03 2017 1:32am

There's a terrible accident and a busload of convent girls perish.
They arrive at the pearly gates and St.Peter stands there to check them in.

He turns to the first girl "Now, Naoimh, tell me - did ye ever have contact with a male organ?"
Naoimh blushes and says "I can't lie sir, I did once touch the head of one with my finger..."
"Right oh," says St.Peter "wash yer finger in this Holy Water and ye can pass through"

He turns to the second and says "Well, Saoirse, did ye ever have contact with a male organ?"
Saoirse reddens deeply and says "I did once give me boyfriend a hand job..."
"OK," says St.Peter "Wash yer whole hand in this Holy Water and ye can pass through"

Suddenly there's a commotion amongst the rest of the girls and Siobhan pushes forward
"Me next!" says Siobhan
"Now, tell me," says St.Peter "What's yer rush, me cailin?"
"Well now," says Siobhan "If I've got to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mairead sticks her arse in it!!!" :mrgreen:
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Mon Jul 03 2017 12:32pm

A vintage "Auld Orange Flute" joke:
Iain Paisley was visiting a rare interdenominational school and spoke to a group of children about the tragedy of the troubles.
"Now, who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Said he

Little Billy, in his orange sash, said "If a school bus crashed and killed all the childer, that would be a tragedy!", said Billy
"Well," said Paisley "I'd say that was a great loss, rather than a tragedy.

Then Arlene, with the red hand brooch, shot up her hand "If I was climbing a tree and I fell out, that would be a tragedy!!"
"Not quite," said Paisley "that would be more of an accident"

So then, little red-haired Padraig, in his green jumper stuck his hand in the air "If ye were flyin' over Derry and yere plane blew up, that would be a tragedy!"
Paisley felt quite chuffed that a catholic had thought this way. "But how would you know it was a tragedy?", he asked
Padraig shot back "That's because it wouldn't be a great loss and hardly a feckin' accident either!!!"
Last edited by macliam on Mon Jul 03 2017 1:11pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Mon Jul 03 2017 12:36pm

Siobhan got a call that her Granny had suffered a heart attack and was in hospital.

She rushed to Granny's bedside, burst into tears and said "Granny, Granny, I'm so sorry that you took it so hard that I've become a prostitute!"

Granny shot up in bed "PROSTITUTE, is it - I though they said you'd become a protestant!!!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Jul 03 2017 10:46pm

macliam wrote:There's a terrible accident and a busload of convent girls perish.
They arrive at the pearly gates and St.Peter stands there to check them in.

He turns to the first girl "Now, Naoimh, tell me - did ye ever have contact with a male organ?"
Naoimh blushes and says "I can't lie sir, I did once touch the head of one with my finger..."
"Right-oh," says St.Peter "wash yer finger in this Holy Water and ye can pass through"

He turns to the second and says "Well, Saoirse, did ye ever have contact with a male organ?"
Saoirse reddens deeply and says "I did once give me boyfriend a hand job..."
"OK," says St.Peter "Wash yer whole hand in this Holy Water and ye can pass through"

Suddenly there's a commotion amongst the rest of the girls and Siobhan pushes forward
"Me next!" says Siobhan
"Now, tell me," says St.Peter "What's yer rush, me calling?"
"Well now," says Siobhan "If I've got to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mairead sticks her arse in it!!!" :mrgreen:
Dave Allen is alive and well :thumbup:
here's another, I have changed the names though

macliam is in the Confessional booth
'Father do you know the twins that live on the farm at the end of the village?
'I know thEm well he replies 'Paula and Lottie. I christen them, Good God, fearing Catholic girls they sing in the choir and help out at the hospital. They will make fine wives and mothers.
'Yeah, well I was with the pair of them ALL NIGHT!'
The priest pauses before asking 'When you say 'with them?' go you mean in the biblical sense?'
'There was NOTHING biblical about the things we were doing Father. Non stop all night with the both of them. Best night of my life EVER! and theirs.'
The priest pauses again before saying 'I can't give you absolution my son without contrition.'
'Whats contrition?' asks macliam
'It means 'remorse, repentance, penitence, sorrow or regret'
' Father' says macliam 'I not here for confession.'
'Then why are you telling me, my son?'
'Telling you Father I'M TELLING EVERYONE!'
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macliam
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Mon Jul 03 2017 11:32pm

I wonder whatever happened to Paula and Lottie....... :shifty:
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Mon Jul 03 2017 11:52pm

God and the devil were discussing the way he made the world.

"I like symmetry" said God, "Take the Sahara, I balanced that by making the North Pole".

"Then there's Holland, so flat and low - I balanced that by making Tibet"

"I see," said the devil "But explain to me how that works with Ireland - so green, great music, great craic - and the Guinness! - how did you balance that?"

"You should see the wankers I gave them as neighbours......." :mrgreen: Image
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jul 04 2017 2:58pm

Ste4ady on M
Don't want to upset the Manx's
Might not have a tail but have 3 legs and will give you a kicking and a half...literally
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jul 04 2017 3:00pm

macliam wrote:God and the devil were discussing the way he made the world.

"I like symmetry" said God, "Take the Sahara, I balanced that by making the North Pole".

"Then there's Holland, so flat and low - I balanced that by making Tibet"

"I see," said the devil "But explain to me how that works with Ireland - so green, great music, great craic - and the Guinness! - how did you balance that?"

"You should see the wankers I gave them as neighbours......." :mrgreen: Image
'But what I don't really understand.' said the devil 'Is why you gave the Irish potatoes and the oil to the Arabs?'
'Well' says God 'I gave the Irish the first pick!'
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Tue Jul 04 2017 3:21pm

kevinchess1 wrote:
macliam wrote:God and the devil were discussing the way he made the world.

"I like symmetry" said God, "Take the Sahara, I balanced that by making the North Pole".

"Then there's Holland, so flat and low - I balanced that by making Tibet"

"I see," said the devil "But explain to me how that works with Ireland - so green, great music, great craic - and the Guinness! - how did you balance that?"

"You should see the wankers I gave them as neighbours......." :mrgreen: Image
'But what I don't really understand.' said the devil 'Is why you gave the Irish potatoes and the oil to the Arabs?'
'Well' says God 'I gave the Irish the first pick!'
Right, so. Take away the beauty, the loughs, the mountains and the craic and what have ye got?

England..... :mrgreen:
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Tue Jul 04 2017 6:07pm

..... and why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because not even God trusted them in the dark.............. :mrgreen:
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