Clean jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Sep 02 2013 5:11pm

"Would ye have any work for a handyman?" asked Padraig.

"Well it depends what you can do" said the Manager "Are you any good at plumbing?"
"No Sir" said Padraig

"So what about electrics - are you good there?"
"No Sir" said Padraig

"OK, what about painting and decorating - are you good at that?"
"No Sir" said Padraig

"Well, you don't seem to have many skills," said the Manager, "What makes you think you're a handyman?" :?

"Well, I just live down the street!" said Padraig :mrgreen:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Sep 03 2013 6:34pm

Pat and Mick were off deer hunting in Canada. They slogged back to the landing strip to meet the small plane back to civilization, but the pilot said he would only take three of the deer they had, due to weight restrictions.

But Pat wasn't taking any of that, "But, sure we did the same trip last year and we took all six deer back with us" he said.

So the pilot agreed to take all the deer with them and they took off. But about an hour later, he was unable to gain enough height to cross the mountain peaks and he crashed into the forest.

Pat and Mick were cushioned by the deer carcases and got out of the wreckage to look around.

"Where d'ye think we are?" asked Pat :think:

"Oh, I'd say we're not too far from where we crashed last time", said Mick :wtf:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Sep 05 2013 5:28pm

Sean was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least half a stone!"

Sean went back 2 weeks later and the doctor was shocked to see he had lost 4 stones!

"That's amazing!," said the doctor said, "did you follow my instructions to the letter?"

"Indeed I did," said Sean "but I thought I'd die on the third day!!"

"What from not eating?" asked the doctor

"No, from all that skippin'" said Sean :mrgreen:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sat Sep 07 2013 10:59am

Sign in a London bar "HAPPY HOUR - ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR £10"

"Give me £20 worth" said Ciaran...................
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sun Sep 08 2013 12:29pm

"So Ciaran," said the man, "Ye didn't pull the curtains last night and I saw you in bed with your wife!" :lol:

"The joke's on you!, said Ciaran, "I wasn't home last night!!" :mrgreen:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Sep 09 2013 12:04pm

macliam wrote:"I need some six by four timber for me new byre" said Seamus :problem:

"Ah now Seamus, ye need to keep up with the times" said the man from the creamery, "We don't use them measures at all now, it's all gone metrical. Ye'll need to ask for some 15cm by 10cm timber now" he continued

".... and if ye want some it'll be 3 Euros a Foot!" :mrgreen:

We are slowly inching towards Metricification
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1960mackem
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by 1960mackem » Mon Sep 09 2013 12:40pm

kevinchess1 wrote:
1960mackem wrote:
kevinchess1 wrote: We are slowly inching towards Metricification
Not round Here - a pint is a pint (not your fancy 568ml)


And mackem wouldn't drink his whisky any other way :o
now 700ml that's a pint with a good head - non of yer flat stuff

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Sep 09 2013 5:53pm

kevinchess1 wrote:When i was an apprentice ages and ages and ages ago
They use to use not just Metric and old money
but a size called 'Whitworth?'
which was also completely different
That takes me back :thumbup: - Yes if I remember correctly, Whitworth spanners measure across the diagonal of the screw-thread whereas a standard imperial AF spanner measures "Across the Flats" of the hexagonal head. Since the head is always bigger than the screw thread, a Whitworth spanner claiming to be 1/4" would be too large for a 1/4" AF, but perfect for a 3/8" - so they're both Imperial, but different....

Whitworth was the inventor who standardised thread sizes - he was an interesting guy, he invented a gun with better rifling than the Enfield standard, but the UK wouldn't buy them - so the French did and then sold them to the Confederate army as "Whitworth Sharpshooters". He then invented a breach-loading cannon, but again the UKG said no - and again they were used in the American Civil War. Makes you wonder why you bother sometimes, dunnit? :D
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Sep 12 2013 2:47pm

"Wasn't that a shame about Father Doolan......" said the widow O'Keefe
"What's that?" asked Mrs. Cafferty
"Killed he was, by Whiskey and women!"
"Don't tell me....." said Mrs. Cafferty
"Aye, he couldn't have either, so he hung himself!"
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Sep 13 2013 11:22pm

Got a job at a bowling alley
Not permanent just Tem pin :lol:
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