Clean jokes - 2015

[kevinchess1]

My Mate came second at the World Anger Championships. Alas he was outraged.

[kevinchess1]

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs. Wrong plaice, wrong thyme.

[blythburgh]

A copy from the V* advent calender page for today ( I could have done one a day but thought I would inflict them on you all at once : )

Us Brits just LOVE Christmas crackers. These wrapped, decorated creations – filled with exciting gifts and a colourful Christmas hat – make a fantastic addition to Christmas meals and dinner parties. Better still, they each come with their own cringey Christmas joke, guaranteed to make everyone groan in unison at the predictable – yet undoubtedly funny – clichés.

To celebrate these delightful snippets of laughter, we have put together a list of our favourite top 20 Christmas Cracker jokes to get you in the festive spirit:

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas Eve!
What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas Dinner? Twerky
Why did no one bid for Rudolph or Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer
What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 24 days
What do you find in Santa’s drink cupboard? Festive spirit
What’s the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum set – you just can’t beat it!
Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy
What do you call someone that’s scared of Santa? Claus-trophobic
How do you know Santa’s real? He’s from the grotto
What do elves learn at school? The Elf-abet
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? You are so last season
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark? Frostbite
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? Because he’s a fun-gi to be with
Why is The Great British Bake Off like the nativity? Because the Star is in the Yeast.
Why did the orange take a prune to the Christmas party? Because he couldn’t find a date!
What happened when Santa went speed dating? He pulled a cracker
Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison? Because it was a repeat offender
What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke; it’s bad for my elf!
Why does Santa put chimneys on Tinder? Because he wants them to be swept right

[kevinchess1]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[1960mackem]

DEEP PAN - Crisp and even

[kevinchess1]

Mary and Joseph
Talk about a stable relationship

[kevinchess1]

"It's Christmas Eve"
"Not till tomorrow, Adam

[kevinchess1]

Mr/s Mackem were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. Mrs Macken suddenly noticed that Mackem was missing and they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
She said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He says "You remember the jewelers we went into about 30 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up!
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I'm in the pub next door to that."

[kevinchess1]

[Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?"
Yes please

"THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMING LIKE A GHOST TOWN

[kevinchess1]

Beware the dangers of dried fruit. Just raisin awareness