Mad Mary was whizzing round the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl. "Licence Please" said Crazy Carl. Mary Speeds off round the corner and bumps into Loony Leon. "Insurance Please" says Loony Leon. Off she zooms again until she's stopped by Donkey Dave, naked with a...

Answerphone message on the drugs hotline...

..."If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"

Apparently, they've found a cure for dyslexia.

Well, that's music to my arse.

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Warsaw Airport.

"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?" he asks.

"No, just visiting for a few days."

An old man with a hearing aid has a big smile on his face.

Old lady gives him a withering look...
"What I said was, 'I've got acute angina'!!!"

It's just clutter.

I was walking past a field the other day and saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank!

I thought to myself "Worzel Gummidge is clutching at straws again"...

I got stopped outside the chemist shop today, by a women with a clipboard.

"Hello Sir, can I ask you what you use for grooming " she said.

She was somewhat taken aback when I replied, "Facebook "

The dustman calls to collect the dustbin. He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. "Where’s your bin?" says the dustman. The Chinese man says "I bin in the bedroom" The dustman says "No,... where is your dustbin?" The Chinese man says "I just told you. I dust bin in the bedroom. The dustma...

A man enters a bar, brandishing a gun.

"All right. Who the f**K has been screwing my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"