imutual.co.uk

richard@imutual wrote:Impossible to see the future is

A long time ago, on a website far, far away..

Rpoints is in a state of civil war and spies for the imutual Alliance have stolen plans to the GaVACtic Umpire's In-store cashback, a heavily-exaggerated website feature capable of annihilating an entire budget. Rebel leader Princess xxxRaichxxx is in possession of the plans, but her ship is captured by Imperial measures under the command of the evil lord Darth Expressman. Before she is captured, xxxRaichxxx hides the plans in the memory of a droid called tc-beastly, along with a holographic recording. The small droid flees to the surface of the desert planet bluzysuzy with fellow protocol droid Quidco-PO .
The droids are quickly captured by eBay traders, who sell the pair to moisture farmers Planteria and Sarah and their nephew, Kev Spellchecker. While Kev is cleaning tc-beastly, he accidentally triggers part of xxxRaichxxx's message, in which she requests help from Oggy1 Thenobi. The only "Thenobi" Kev knows of is an old hermit named Been Thenobi who lives in the nearby hills. The next morning Kev, upon finding tc-beastly, who escaped the night before to seek Oggy1, meets Been Thenobi, who reveals himself to be Oggy1. Oggy1 tells Kev of his days as a Gelig Knight, one of a faction of former galactic beekeepers who were wiped out by the Umpire. Contrary to his uncle's statements, Kev learns that his father Anadin Spellchecker fought alongside Oggy1 as a Gelig Knight before he was betrayed and killed by Expressman, Oggy1's former pupil who turned to the "dark side of the Farce". Been then gives Kev his father's LED light-saver.
Oggy1 views xxxRaichxxx's complete message in which she begs him to take the In-Store plans to her home planet of Altrincham for her father to retrieve and analyze. He then asks Kev to accompany him and learn the ways of the Farce. Kev initially refuses, but changes his mind after discovering that Imperial mints have destroyed his home and killed his aunt and uncle in search of Quidco-PO and tc-beastly. Oggy1 and Kev hire smuggler Hand Solo and his Cookie first mate e-Cigger to transport them on their ship, the Millionth Transaction.
Upon the Transaction's arrival at Altrincham, they find that the planet has been destroyed under the orders of the In-Store's commanding officer Grand Mustbe Barkin to pressure xxxRaichxxx into revealing the hidden base of the Rebellion and, after she apparently does so, to demonstrate the In-store's power. The Transaction is caught by the nearby In-store's distractor beam and brought into its hangar bay. While Oggy1 goes off to disable the distractor beam, Kev discovers that xxxRaichxx is imprisoned on board and, with the help of Hand and e-Cigger, rescues her. After several harrowing escapes, they make their way back to the Transaction, but Oggy1 sacrifices himself in a LED light-saver duel with Expressman. The Transaction escapes the In-Store but the Umpire has placed a tracking cookie on the ship to follow them to the rebels' hidden base on Yurin IV.
The rebels analyze the In-store plans, disclosing a vulnerable exhausted portfolio leading to the website's main detractor. Kev joins the assault team, but Hand collects his imutual shares for the rescue and plans to leave despite Kev asking him to stay. The rebels suffer heavy losses after several failed claims for missing cashback, leaving Kev one of the few surviving pillocks. Expressman and a group of TIE fighters are about to destroy Kev's ship, but Hand Solo returns at the last moment and destroys the TIE Fighters and the blast sends Expressman spiraling away. Then Kev (with spiritual guidance from Oggy1 to use the Farce) successfully destroys the In-Store seconds before it can promote itself on MSE. Kev and Hand are subsequently awarded POTM prizes by xxxRaichxxx for their heroism.

richard@imutual wrote:Star Wars episode VII - A new dope