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To kick things off, here's on of my faves. An oldie but a goodie:

There is a family of three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Mummy balloon says to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and daddy. No, you are not sleeping with us and that's final. So baby balloon reluctantly agrees

In the middle of the night baby balloon wakes up and climbs into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again. He finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disappointed with you, we said you can't sleep with us.
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(wait for it)
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You've let me down, you've let mummy down and, worst of all, you've let yourself down

Got a new aftershave
made from breadcrumbs
Birds love it

Did you hear the one about Oggy's original.............?


Neither did I , I'm still waiting

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

Jus got back from the hospital. They reckon I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis - but at the moment it's hard to say.

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

Doin a bit of bakin when Oggy comes in and asks ''can i lick the bowl after you've finished please im hungry?'' ''no Oggy I reply "you to have pull the chain same is everybody else!!"

Oggy wrote:Blimey Kev, that was doing the rounds when I was a kid and that's a lonnnnnggg time ago!

Your tellin me off for old jokes

A charity asked me 2 donate some clothes 2 the starving people in the world.
I told them 2 go fly a kite.
Anyone who fits into my clothes aint starving. !

WHAT IS A CALORIE?

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes a little tighter......
My wardrobe is infested with the little shits!