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I joined a chocolate lovers forum the other day.

I was asked if I liked a combination of chocolate, caramel, nougat and hazelnut.

I said I used to but I no longer did.

So I was banned from the forum for going off topic.

Mel wrote:10 years ago Bob Hope died.

5 years ago Johnny Cash died.

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died.

2 weeks ago Jimmy Saville died.


Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It!

Lets hope Ed Balls don't die

I just rang Alcohol Concern. Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.

They're quite rude, aren't they?

Sean connery has found his niche
she was in the garden chattin to his nephew

Anagrams

Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Astronomer - Moon Starer
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Mel decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mel was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mel had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mel, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Mel called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

So I says to Mel 'Your awfully pedantic '
He says 'The awfully part isn't neccessary.'

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.


The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.

I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!


We have 10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it ?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him."

I have been practising my Roy Walker impression. It's good but it's not right.

Whatever happened to the first ever ice cream manufacturer, Walls of Jericho?