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First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

The worst letter I ever wrote .....

Dear Jim, can you please fix it for me to go on "It's a Knockoout!".

Today I noticed someone waving, but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I'm a rubbish lifeguard.

"Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

Q.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Can Lynx fumes get you high

The reason I ask is because I just sprayed a wasp to make him smell nice and he immediately started doing some weird breakdance.

Never go to a resort surrounded by pine forests.

No beech.

"But Grandma, I don't want to go on an official visit to Alaska!" said Prince Harry "It's too cold!!"
The Queen replied, "Wear the fox hat"
"Near Canada" said Harry

Seamus was hosting his Texan cousin on the farm in Mayo and was a bit jaded by his guests continuous comparisons with things "back home in the US".

Rolling home from the pub, the cousin says "You know, back home my ranch is so big, why, I can get in my car at dawn and drive until nightfall and still be on my own land!"

Wihout batting an eye, Seamus replies "Sure, I once had a car like that too!"

The same American was boasting about how much bigger and better everything was back home. Just then the Queen Mary 2 sailed out of Southampton harbour. "Guess that is one of those ocean liners", said the American. "No, just the Isle of Wight ferry", Kirsty replied.