Over 18s jokes - 2012

[Fuggsy]

A guy meets a girl in the bar and she goes home with him. When they are relaxing after making love, he asks, "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"

She looks at him for a few moments and says, "Of course you are! Why do you men always ask that same stupid question?"

[Fuggsy]

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because my father was a gay."
"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.
"My brother is gay."
"That still doesn't mean that you are".
"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."
The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.
"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.
"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

[Fuggsy]

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I canceled it and bought the calf."

[Fuggsy]

Leo went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor checked his heart and blood pressure and frowned.
"You've got ten hours to live", he said.
"I demand a second opinion", said Leo, and rushed off to a heart specialist.
The heart specialist checked him out immediately and said, "Leo, you've got nine hours to live."
Leo jumped into his car and raced home to his wife.
"Darling", he said, "I have only eight hours to live."
"What do you want to do in your final hours, Leo?"
"I want to make love", said Leo.
So they jumped into bed.
During their post coital cigarette, Leo said, "I've got seven hours to live. Can we make love again?"
"Of course", said his loving wife.
After another hour, and another post coital cigarette, he said, "Darling, I have only six hours to live, Lets do it again."
"For Christ's sake, Leo", she said, "It's O.K. for you! You don't have to get up early in the morning."

[Fuggsy]

Sixteen year old Jonny asks his father "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"
"Well" said the father knowingly, "It has two looks. Before sex it looks like a beautiful rose with folds."
"What about after sex?" asked the son.
"Well" said the father "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"

[Fuggsy]

Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes were walking through the park when they passed three women eating bananas.
"Ah", said Holmes, " I see a spinster, a prostitute and a newlywed."
"Amazing, Holmes!", said Dr Watson, "How did you deduce that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. "See how the spinster breaks the banana into small pieces before possing them into her mouth? Whilst the prostitute in the middle holds the banana in both hands."
"Yes, Holmes, but how do you know the other one is newlywed?"
"Well", said Holmes," she's holding the banana with one hand and thumping herself on the back of the head with the other."

[Fuggsy]

The eighty year old man had gone to see his doctor for pre-marriage tests.
"I'm marrying a twenty year old", he said.
"Why are you doing that?", asked the doctor.
"I want a son and heir. Can you give me any advice?"
"Yes, get a lodger", said the doctor, smirking. A few months later, the old fellow returned to the doctor.
"Is your wife pregnant yet?", queried the doctor.
"Yes".
"So you did take in a lodger?"
"Oh yes", replied the old man, "and she's pregnant too!"

[Fuggsy]

The new bride was a little confused about what to do with her husband's constant erection.

"Don't worry about it", advised her husband.

"When you want to make love, tug it three times. When you don't want to, tug it three hundred times."

[Fuggsy]

On their first night of wedded bliss, the groom took off his trousers and asked his new bride to try them on.
"They don't fit", she said.
"And never forget it!", said the husband. "In this house I wear the trousers."
She continued to disrobe. She threw him her frilly knickers and said, "Put those on."
He looked at the scanty briefs and said, I'll never get into these!"
"You're right", she said. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"

[Fuggsy]

At the nudist colony, it was always Colin that was sent for coffee.

He was the only one who could carry two cups of coffee and ten donuts.