imutual.co.uk

I did a stand up comedy spot at the local old folks home last night.

They didn't understand any of the jokes, but pissed themselves anyway.

My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar.

Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today.

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you gave £5 to Jane, £5 to Claire, and £5 to Katie, what would you have?

Apparently, "3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer...

Mad Mary was whizzing round the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl.

"Licence Please" said Crazy Carl.

Mary Speeds off round the corner and bumps into Loony Leon.

"Insurance Please" says Loony Leon.

Off she zooms again until she's stopped by Donkey Dave, naked with an 8inch hard on.

"Oh No" cries Mary. "Not the breathalyser again"

In an effort to be sexy, my girlfriend slipped a lollipop into her p**sy.

I said, "That's lovely, darling, but don't you need that to get those children across the road?"

Answerphone message on the drugs hotline...

..."If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"

I organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

Apparently, they've found a cure for dyslexia.

Well, that's music to my arse.

Tonight I'm going to one of those bukkake parties. I was a bit worried so I rang my insurance company about it. They've assured me I will be covered.

My friend asked his wife the other day
"Why have you got all those cookery and recipe books when you can't cook?"

She replied "Why have you got all those pornographic DVD's?"