Over 18s jokes - 2012

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 4:25 pm

I've just got sum 007 Viagra :thumbup:
Makes you roger more :lol:
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1960mackem
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:10 pm

kevinchess1 wrote:I've just got sum 007 Viagra :thumbup:
Makes you roger more :lol:
Mmmmmmmm pussy galore :)
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Nov 01, 2012 9:08 am

The dish with the deep cleavage said, "Doctor, I believe I'm losing my mind ... I can't remember anything over five minutes!" And the doctor answered, "Take off your clothes, miss, and lie down ..."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:30 am

Three men, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man, lost their jobs in the circus and approached the owner of a construction store to ask for employment.
"What can you do?" the store owner asked the Englishman.
"I can do masonry," said the English man, and he was duly assigned to lay a brick wall for a customer.
He then asked the Irishman, "What can you do?" and he replied, "I was the strong man in the circus and I can lift very heavy loads," and so he was put to work at the back of the store.
Finally, turning to the Chinese man, he enquired, "What can you do?" and he answered, "I can do supplies," and so he was sent out to do purchase.
When evening came, there was still no sign of the Chinese man. Turning to the Englishman and the Irishman, he asked if they had seen their friend, to which they replied in the negative. Then suddenly, the lid of an empty wooden barrel popped open and the Chinese man triumphantly appeared with his two arms raised and shouted,
"Supplies! Supplies!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Nov 04, 2012 10:58 am

A famous sociologist was giving a talk to the packed audience in the local town hall. He said that studies conducted independently by separate medical groups had shown beyond any shadow of doubt that there was a definite relationship between the level of happiness and the frequencies of sex.
To proof his point, he addressed the audience, "How many of you have sex at least three times a week?" a very large portion of the audience put up their hands. They smiled widely and appeared contented and happy.
Next, he asked, "How many of you have sex once a week?". There were still a number of hands but the smiles were less wide.
He then asked, "How many of you have sex two or three times a month?" There were very few hands and there were no smiles.
Finally, he asked, "How many of you have sex once a month?"
"Here! Here! one lone guy at the back stood up and shouted to get the sociologist's attention.
"And why, may I ask, are you so happy?"
It's tonight! It's tonight! he said excitedly.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:07 am

50 Sheds of Gray



The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now
a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has
author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the
garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the
only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
me."
So I took her to Nando's.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed
roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to
sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Nov 07, 2012 11:04 am

A judge found himself presiding over a divorce suit brought by Mickey Mouse against Minnie Mouse.

"Mr Mouse," explained the judge after reviewing the suit, "You can't divorce your wife just because you claim she is crazy."

"I didn't say she was crazy," replied Mickey, "I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Nov 08, 2012 11:54 am

This guy walks into a bar, moping around, and looking generally depressed. He saddles up to the bar, craddles his head in his arms, and sits there being miserable. The bartender, sympathetic guy that he is, comes up to him and asks: "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"

He answers:
"Oh hell, I just found out that my younger brother is gay, and I'm not taking it very well."

The bartender offers him a drink on the house and tries to console him. He downs the drink, proffers his thanks, and leaves the bar shaking his head.

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar, looking even more bedraggled and depressed. "Wow, what's the matter?" says the bartender. "Well" the client says, "you won't believe it, my middle brother is also gay. This is a real shock, and I don't know how to handle it!" "Here" sighs the bartender, and offers the guy another drink on the house who downs it instantly, then shuffles out the door.

Two days pass, and the miserable guy comes in looking absolutely shattered. He's a walking wreck, sobbing and muttering to himself as he saddles up to the bar. "Omigod!" says the bartender, what happened to you?" " Well, I just found out that my older brother is gay as well. I don't know what to do!" "Holy shit!" says the bartender " Isn't there anybody in your family who likes pussy?"

The shattered man looks up, eyes red, and answers pitifully, "My sister..."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Nov 11, 2012 10:35 am

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door ran off."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:42 am

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have one more day to live."

The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth.

When the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent.

Upon opening the bathroom door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says "SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."
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