Over 18s jokes - 2012

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Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Dec 20, 2012 9:54 am

Once there were identical twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. The fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

"She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted.
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Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Dec 21, 2012 9:28 am

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent.

When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Dec 27, 2012 10:35 am

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.

"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, young man."

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".

"Yessir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward, and says, "I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob." The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backward before the homeowner continues.

"It keeps the kids out."
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