Over 18s jokes - 2012

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by zulu17 » Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:25 pm

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by sanity clause » Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:21 pm

A man enters a bar, brandishing a gun.

"All right. Who the f**K has been screwing my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:40 pm

Hit Luke with a right gross whilst yellin
'You barsfard you beem shaggin me wife :evil: '
'Let me xplain' he said threw the blood 'I got to work and she was lyin on the table, stark naked, didn't say anythin, wot was i suppose todo :?: '
I yelled 'THE F***IN AUTOPSY'
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by sanity clause » Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:06 am

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar you irritating little s**t!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by sanity clause » Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:57 pm

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Alec3720 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 10:49 pm

I was in Spain a few weeks ago and saw a sign saying "English Speaking Doctor Available". I thought to myself - what a great idea we could do with some of them back home!!!
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by sanity clause » Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:54 am

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."


The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by sanity clause » Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:45 am

A professor at a Aberystwyth University and he gave a seminar on the supernatural a few years ago.

To get a feel for his audience, he asked them, "How many of you here believe in ghosts?" About 80 students raised their hands. That's a good start he thought. He then asked "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands.

The Professor was really glad they were taking it seriously so he ventured "Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" He was surprised when 15 students raised their hands. "That's a great response," He remarked and was indeed impressed. Even more so when 3 students raised their hands when he asked "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

The Professor decided to ask them one final question, "Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of the students raised his hand. He was so astonished he took a step back. He said to him "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The student nodded and began to make his way up to the podium, the professor said "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
the student replied, "Ghosts??? !... I thought you said GOATS."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:04 pm

John Terry has written a letter of apology to Anton Ferdinand...........

Good golly Anton, sorry about all this monkey business, it's only a little black humour really & it's all gone bananas.
What do you say we call a spade a spade and end all this whole dark episode between us ? :shock:
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by sanity clause » Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:01 am

A husband suggests to his wife, "Why don't we change positions tonight?"

She says, "Great idea. You take the ironing board and I'll sit on the sofa and fart".
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