Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Jun 19 2013 9:01am

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked har came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered. "Well, yes I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son."
Thanked by: kevinchess1

kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Jun 19 2013 9:15am

I recently came into some money, :thumbup:

And that's why I no longer work for Natwest :?
Thanked by: an6ypan6y, Fuggsy
Politically incorrect since 69

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Jun 20 2013 10:15am

A lady was looking in the mirror and admiring her breasts. Her husband sees her and asks what she is doing. She replied that her doctor said that she had breasts of a 20 year old.

The husband asks, "What did he say about your 65 year old arse?"

She replied," He didn't ask about you"
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat Jun 22 2013 11:05am

The farmer from Louisiana told the lawyer he wanted a divorce.
"Do you have grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"I do", he said, " 600 acres."
"Do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"No, said the farmer "I have an International Harvester."
"No, no. Do you have a grudge?"
"Yes, we have a double garage, because we have two cars."
"No!" said the lawyer, "do you have a suit?"
"Only the one I'm wearing." was the reply.
"No, no", said the lawyer impatiently. "Does your wife beat you up?"
"Never. I'm always up early, and she sleeps in until nine some mornings."
The lawyer was tearing his hair out. "Is she a nagger?"
"No" said the farmer "She's a white gal, but she gave birth to a boy yesterday and he's a nagger, so I want a divorce."
Thanked by: kevinchess1, Mel

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Jun 24 2013 8:59am

The 767 was coming in to land and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

"As soon as I clock off", he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant."

The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over a suitcase in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting in an aisle seat whispered, "There's no need to hurry dear, he said he was going to have a beer first."
Thanked by: Mel, kevinchess1

kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Jun 24 2013 1:33pm

Mackem meet's a fairy who grants him one wish. "I want to live forever," he said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," he says, "I want to die when Sunderland FC win the Premier league."
"You crafty ...." said the fairy.
Thanked by: 1960mackem, Mel
Politically incorrect since 69

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Jun 25 2013 8:46am

An old cowboy.....dressed to kill with fancy cowboy shirt, Stetson hat, Levi's, silver Mexican spurs and chaps, went into a bar and
ordered a drink.

As he sat there enjoying his sipping whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV....everything makes me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked. "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was." He replied, "But I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Jun 26 2013 8:41am

A man dies and wakes up to find himself in hell. The devil is standing next to him and says "Well you have three choices what do you want?" "What do you mean ?" says the man. So the devil takes him into a huge room filled with millions of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor.

"This is your first choice" says the devil "standing on your head for the rest of eternity" "What's my second choice" said the man. The devil takes him into a second huge room with millions of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.

"This is your second choice" said the devil "Whats my third choice" said the man The devil takes him into a third room with millions of people standing knee deep in shit drinking tea.

"This is your third and final choice" said the devil "What's it to be?" The man thought to himself and figured that it would be too painful standing on his head on a wooden floor or a concrete floor for the rest of eternity and he could get used to the smell so he turned to the devil and said "I'll stay here."

"Fine " said the devil off you go then. The man wandered off and the devil then said "Okay tea breaks over back on your heads"
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Jul 02 2013 8:30am

The Evangelist settled into his motel room after a busy day of rousing, table thumping delivery of his message to the public. Before heading downstairs for a nightcap, he flipped idly through the Gideon Bible which sat on his bedside table, as indeed it does in every motel room throughout the world.

Downstairs in the bar he soon formed a chatty association with the barmaid, and, with his usual gift of the gab, invited her to his room for a blessing. A few more drinks and hands-on healing and it wasn't long before they were getting into a very ticklish situation.

"Are you sure this is alright", gigled the barmaid. "you are a man of the cloth."
He reassured her, "It is permissible, my child. It is writen in the Bible", after which he proceeded to have his way with her.

Whilst enjoying a post-coital cigarette, the barmaid turned to him and siad, "Show me - where is it written in the Bible that it was alright to do what we did?'

Whereupon he picked up the Bible, turned to the inside cover and showed her the passage written there: "The barmaid downstairs is a certainty."
Thanked by: kevinchess1

kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Jul 11 2013 10:52am

an6ypan6y wrote:I saw on the news that Jo Brand got hit by a train.


Seems she can make me laugh


Sitcom star Miranda Hart is set to bring out a fitness DVD at Christmas. :shock:


As above :lol:
Thanked by: blythburgh
Politically incorrect since 69

Locked

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests