Over 18s jokes - post here

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Apr 30 2020 9:08pm

It's the Sixties, and one night, Michael Caine decides to throw a big party for all his favourite bands : Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, The Doors, The Beatles and The Rolling Stones to name but a few of the attendees, together with models, film stars and loads of groupies.

For his special favourites, 'The Doors', Michael has arranged a special treat. He gathers the band together and says, "See that Yellow door at the end of the corridor? Theres a stunning sexy girl in there who wants to suck all four of you off together".

Jim Morrison and the guys are excited and charge off into the yellow door room. Sure enough, there's a sexy, naked rock chick there, and she does indeed proceed to suck all of them off together.

They rejoin the party, satisfied, and Jim tells Mick Jagger what a great time they've had.Next thing you know, Mick and the rest of the Stones pile into the Yellow door room and the chick starts to give them the same treatment.

Five minutes later, as shes on her knees with a mouth full of Mick, Keith, Charlie and Bill, in bursts Michael Caine.

Wait for it..............................................

"What the hell are you doing girl?" cries Michael,

"You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Fri May 01 2020 3:00am

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on Bruce's door.
When he opens it, there's a huge, bearded man standing there.

''Name's Barry, I live on the next station about forty miles up the road. I'm having a barbie Friday night and thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Bruce, "After 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some locals. Thanks mate!"

As Barry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, gonna be some hard drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Bruce "I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave, but stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, so I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Bruce, warming to the idea. "I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there.... so what should I wear?"
"Don't matter much . Just gonna be the two of us........"
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macliam
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Wed Jun 10 2020 1:42pm

Padraig walks into a bar and orders six double whiskeys.

"Tough day?" asked the barman

"Aye, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

Next day, Padraig was back and ordered another six doubles. When the barman asked what the problem was today, he said "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, Padraig came back to the bar and yet again ordered 6 doubles.

"Jeez," said the barman "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yes," said Padraig "......my wife!!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Jun 22 2020 8:39pm

Luke likes to give his girlfriend a big cuddle after sex. :)
It’s the quickest way to deflate her :?
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Sarah » Tue Jun 23 2020 5:00pm

Warning: More COVID-19 satire
Can't believe they cancelled the daily briefing show after one season just because the main characters killed loads of people
https://twitter.com/TechnicallyRon/stat ... 23107?s=20

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Sat Jun 27 2020 10:17pm

Melbourne Metro.... don't beat round the bush!
post.jpg
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by expressman33 » Thu Jul 09 2020 6:07pm

Mathematics in action.
An indisputable logic.
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If the alpha characters: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Are represented as the numbers: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And then,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are.

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Jul 10 2020 12:29pm

🎵 A little bit of Alison in my life
A little bit of Heather by my side
A little bit of Rina is all I need
A little bit of Linda is what I see
A little bit of Shirley in the sun
A little bit of Carol all night long
A little bit of Charmaine, here I am
A little bit of Anne makes me your man 🎵

Sorry. Just remembering that time I had to dig Fred West's garden up. :?
Politically incorrect since 69

kevinchess1
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Jul 23 2020 11:59pm

What can think the unthinkable :?:
An itheberg :?
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