Over 18s jokes - post here

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sun Apr 12 2020 10:20pm

Peter Bonetti has died

He hadn't been keeping very well.
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expressman33
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by expressman33 » Sat Apr 18 2020 11:21am

As we enter the next 3 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the advise:

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work

5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it effects

11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)

13. You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted

25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music.

27. No business will go under due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will have already gone under.

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Sat Apr 18 2020 1:13pm

I'm glad that's clear then.

The best news is that they say there is a vaccine ready for testing that's 80% effective.

Except that means 1 in 5 of those vaccinated will have no immunity.

Ever heard of Russian Roulette?? You get better odds!
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Chadwick » Sat Apr 18 2020 5:12pm

macliam wrote:
Sat Apr 18 2020 1:13pm
I'm glad that's clear then.

The best news is that they say there is a vaccine ready for testing that's 80% effective.

Except that means 1 in 5 of those vaccinated will have no immunity.

Ever heard of Russian Roulette?? You get better odds!
To be fair, the penalty in Russian Roulette is having your brains blown out.
If you 'lose' at vaccine roulette, you are most likely to have a few days of flu-like symptoms. You have to 'lose' again (against far greater odds) to get into hospital or even die.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Boro Boy » Sat Apr 18 2020 5:57pm

Oh wow, I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles...

My next crap could spell disaster!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by macliam » Sat Apr 18 2020 7:08pm

Chadwick wrote:
Sat Apr 18 2020 5:12pm
macliam wrote:
Sat Apr 18 2020 1:13pm
I'm glad that's clear then.

The best news is that they say there is a vaccine ready for testing that's 80% effective.

Except that means 1 in 5 of those vaccinated will have no immunity.

Ever heard of Russian Roulette?? You get better odds!
To be fair, the penalty in Russian Roulette is having your brains blown out.
If you 'lose' at vaccine roulette, you are most likely to have a few days of flu-like symptoms. You have to 'lose' again (against far greater odds) to get into hospital or even die.
Tell that to my friend in ICU for 3 weeks and (luckily) just awoken from an induced coma.
The idea that people still think they're bulletproof is the biggest joke on here!!
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Apr 23 2020 12:30pm

Getting a vasectomy in your 50's is a bit like buying an exercise bike :?:

You think you will use it everyday but you end up just hanging your laundry on it :?
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by expressman33 » Sat Apr 25 2020 6:27pm

An old supporter being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with: "That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile said,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't!”
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Apr 25 2020 9:36pm

expressman33 wrote:
Sat Apr 25 2020 6:27pm
An old supporter being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with: "That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile said,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't!”
Cleary you've never been to Norwich :?
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Apr 25 2020 9:49pm

Anyone injecting themselves with Domestos is clearly round the bend.

Yet another Flash of genius from Donald Trump.

I injected disinfectant into my neighbour's veins earlier, she was gone in a Jif.
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