imutual.co.uk

@TimesONeill wrote:My Downing Street source just texted to say he’s in Robert Dyas buying turd polish.

https://twitter.com/TimesONeill/status/ ... 90400?s=20

‘Sex is really great one holiday!’ Said The wife

Wasn’t a very nice postcard

Someone once called me illiterate.

That’s rubbish My folks had been married three years when they had me.

Mick-Og found a bottle of Viagra in his son's bag.
"Well now Mickeen," said he "Will you let me try one of these yokes?"
Mickeen said "Da, they're really expensive!"
"How much?" asked Mick-Og
"€10 each," answered Mickeen.
"Right so,", said his father, "I still want like to try - and I'll leave the €10 downstairs"

Next morning, Mickeen found €110 on the kitchen table.
He called his father and said, "Da, I told you each pill was €10, not €110!!"
"I know son," said Mick-Og, "The hundred is from the mammy!!!"

Sean goes to confession and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned".
The priest says, "Confess your sins, my son, and you will be forgiven."
"I had sex with my girlfriend", says Sean
"How did this happen, my son?", asks the priest
"Well, she stretched for a tin of baked beans from the top shelf and I was overcome with lust" says Sean
"Will I be banned from the Church, Father?"

The priest smiles and says "No my son, why would you think that?"
"Well they banned us from Tesco!!", says Sean
__________________

Q. What are 3 naked woman on a case of beer?

A. In the way!

(Copywrite mackem1960)

Royal Mail are shite! I sent my hearing aid off to be repaired 2 months ago and I haven't heard anything since

Luke was telling a woman in a bar last night about he’s ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really? Go on then try."

After 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born?’

Luke replies ‘Yesterday!’

'Are we going into that pole dancing club then?' asks me drunk mate Taffy

I replied 'Thats a kebab shop'