Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Oct 30 2019 7:52pm

A couple were in bed and hear a noise from downstairs...... so they both creep down to see what it is.
They find a burglar going though their thing - and he says

"Oh bugger! I just wanted to steal your things - but now you've seen me, I'll have to kill you!!"

"Don't worry Mary!", says the man, "just stand behind me..."

The burglar looks at him and says "Mary was the name of my mother, so I can't kill her, but you.... what's your name?"

The man says "My name's Diarmuid...... but everybody calls me Mary!!"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Oct 30 2019 10:54pm

Back in the day, Diarmuid said to Mary
"Why don't ye come to me mammy's house this evening - everyone will be out!" :mrgreen:

So, that night, Mary went around and knocked on the door :shifty:

But nobody answered.... :roll:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 31 2019 3:13pm

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.......
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 31 2019 3:22pm

Yer man is driving through rural Tipperary, when he breaks down.
He's got his head under the bonnet, when a cow walks up to him and says "It'll be the carburettor.."

Somewhat shaken, yer man takes off down the road until he meets Farmer Treacy.
Excitedly, he tells the farmer what had just happened.

"Was it a black and white cow, with horns?" asks Treacy
"Aye, it was..." says yer man
"Ah sha, that'll be Maggie - don't listen to her...... she knows nothin' about cars!!"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 31 2019 3:37pm

Young Seamus got lost at the shopping centre.

He tugged at the arm of a Garda and said "I've lost me grandad"
Garda Phelan looked down at him and said "What's he like?"

"Guinness and women with big boobs", said Seamus......
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Nov 01 2019 10:21pm

I talk to the dead but there's never any swearing, nudity or violence.

I use a PG board. :thumbup:
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sat Nov 02 2019 4:29pm

Kev went to the cinema and was surprised to see a man sitting in front of him with a dog on his lap.

The dog was staring intently at the screen.... and seemed to be following the film, wagging its tail at the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and even covering its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the film, Kev spoke to the owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the film - I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can hardly believe it myself," said the man "- He hated the book!!"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sat Nov 02 2019 4:31pm

"I just fell off a 50ft ladder!"

"Get away! - You'd be dead!!"

"No, it's true, I was climbing the ladder when I slipped and fell off.."

"Rubbish - how come you're not badly injured?"

"Well, if I'd got past the second step, I might have been!"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sat Nov 02 2019 4:42pm

Jimmy wanted a pet for company. He told the pet shop he wanted something unusual that wouldn't take much maintenance.

The owner disappeared into the back and returned with a small box containing a centipede.

Jimmy pays up and takes his new pet home.

Wanting to make a good impression, Jimmy opens the lid and says, "I'm going out to buy an ice-cream - do you want to come with me?"

There's no reply.

Jimmy puts the box down and thinks to himself, "Maybe it's just shy. I'll ask again in a minute "

So, after a bit, Jimmy asks again, "Hi there, new friend! I'd really like some ice cream, won't you join me?"

There's still no reply.

Finally Jimmy wonders if his new pet is a bit deaf, so he shouts, "HEY - YOU, ME, ICE CREAM - YUM!!!"


Then a small voice comes from the box"OK, OK, I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!!"
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Nov 02 2019 11:27pm

Macliam is walking through his home village of Bogthorn when he bumps into old Mrs Dunne.
"I hear your off to the city of London tomorrow'
'To be sure I am' replies macliam as he munches on his potato.
'Do me a wee favour then, can you visitme sum Neely and ask him why he;s not been in touch?'
'Begorah, begoran' replies macliam, swigging on his Guinness 'I certainly will. What's his address?'
'London WC one.'
The next day, macliam is walking through Gatport Airwick when he see a sign 'WC'.
Remembering his promise , he walks all the way down til he finds the door marked '1' he bangs on the door yelling 'Are you Neely Dunne?
'Yes'comes the reply 'But there isn't any paper.'
'Oh, that explains why you've not written to your mother then
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