Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Oct 22 2019 9:30am

"What's your date of birth?"
"July 14th"
"What year?"
"Every year!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Oct 22 2019 9:35am

"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
"No."

"Did you check for blood pressure?"
"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"
"No.."

"So..... is it not possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
"No."

"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar!"

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you carried out on dead people?"

"All of them -the live ones struggle too much!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Oct 22 2019 9:50am

Mrs O'Shea takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor....

"So, what's the problem?", asks the doctor

"Our Sile is putting on weight and she's sick most mornings."

After a short examination, the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid Sile's pregnant!"

"Pregnant?", says Mrs O'Shea, "That's crazy, she's never even been alone with a man. Isn't that right, Sile?"

"That's right, Ma," says Sile, "I've never even kissed a man..... I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stands there looking into the sky.

After a few minutes, Mrs O'shea says "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Not at all, but last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill........ and there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Oct 22 2019 9:53am

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust"

..............and then the fight started
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Wed Oct 23 2019 12:11pm

I've just got a job making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the production line.
So I have to make every second Count .

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Oct 23 2019 12:43pm

One of the OAPs on the coach trip taps the driver on the shoulder and gives him a handful of nuts, which he happily munches.

Ten minutes later, she gives him another handful of nuts.

Then later she offers another handful......... and the driver asks "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Well", she replies, "We love them, but if we chew them, the bits get under our dentures....."

"So we just suck the chocolate off them instead!!" :sick:
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Oct 23 2019 12:50pm

That reminds me of the Specialist doing the rounds in the local hospital.

"Is everything OK for you?", he asks the little old lady in the corner bed.

"Yes, thankee, doctor", she replies, "except the peas are too hard..."

"What do you mean my dear?" he asks

"Well", she says handing him a pea, "just you try that"

So the specialist unwillingly tries to bite into the pea - and boy, is it hard.
"I see what you mean, my dear", he says, "they are a bit hard"

"Yes", she replies, "and that one's been through I three times!!" :shifty:
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Oct 23 2019 11:00pm

Some sados are letting off fireworks on our street and it's only the middle of October.
Our poor dog is getting so frightened that he's having to hide under the Christmas tree.
Politically incorrect since 69

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 24 2019 1:26am

kevinchess1 wrote:
Wed Oct 23 2019 11:00pm
Some sados are letting off fireworks on our street and it's only the middle of October.
Our poor dog is getting so frightened that he's having to hide under the Christmas tree.
..... careful he doesn't find the Easter Eggs!! ;)
Thanked by: kevinchess1, rayf, blythburgh
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

rayf
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by rayf » Thu Oct 24 2019 11:01am

macliam wrote:
Thu Oct 24 2019 1:26am
kevinchess1 wrote:
Wed Oct 23 2019 11:00pm
Some sados are letting off fireworks on our street and it's only the middle of October.
Our poor dog is getting so frightened that he's having to hide under the Christmas tree.
..... careful he doesn't find the Easter Eggs!! ;)
'cos chocolate is bad for dogs of course :oops: :think:
Thanked by: blythburgh

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