imutual.co.uk

Q. What the definition of a will?

Easy one this, it's a dead giveaway

What do you call a Frenchman's cheeky boy?
Saucisson.

I was shocked when I heard UKIP had hired Tommy Robinson!
Completely amazed
I just did not believe UKIP are still going

Xmas style joke:

Santa was not happy!!!

It was Christmas Eve and it was all going wrong. The elves had downed tools for more overtime pay, then Rudolph and the other reindeers had been drinking all day and where now useless, also the sleigh needed a broken seat repairing!

'I can't believe all this is happening now', Santa wailed 'to top it all, I sent an Angel out to find and bring back a Christmas Tree and they haven't returned yet!'. Just then the little Angel comes through the front door dragging behind her a large Christmas Tree. 'Oi fatty !! 'Where do you want me to stick this?'

…and so began the tradition of Angels on top of the Christmas Tree!

Just checked the John Lewis website and they don't sell Pianos. That's a little bit funny?

You've already had you Christmas presents for this year - Macron's allowed you to keep the name "Britain", even though it is plainly derived from Bretagne and is therefore French and Merkel's allowed you to keep "Great" even though you aren't. They've all decided you can keep "England" because nobody else wants it.

The United Kingdom is OK for now, but Scotland and NI might not agree..........

UK: I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
EU: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
UK: I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
EU: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
[Repeats for 28 months]

"Name?"
"Stephen King"
"Occupation"
"Essayist"
"Ah, Who dare wins"
"Pardon?"
"Don't worry Mr King, your secret's safe with me"

Staff in a Dublin hotel got very anxious when they saw a guest had registered as an IRA spokesman.
They called Special Branch, who sent two men and a dog along to investigate. The fact the guest was American - and black - and had the very in-Irish name of Van Gelph didn't seem to cool their intrigue, so they knocked on his door, keeping one hand on the snub-nose revolvers (or so they said....).

The door opened, and the middle-aged American was surprised to be asked what he was doing in Dublin. He explained he was attending a financial conference and reached (slowly....) for a business card, which stated - Victor Van Gelph, Senior VP, Satis Investments. "Your Individual Retirement Account Specialists".

Then the penny dropped - it was probably the only time anyone was happy to meet a pension salesman!!

His trial comes up next week......

At the local Hindu corner store, I spent a few minutes talking to the statue of Ganesh that they keep on the counter.

Just a bit of idol chatter.