Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
richard@imutual
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Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by richard@imutual » Sun Nov 03 2019 9:09am

Got a nice, clean joke? You know, the sort you can tell around the table at Christmas dinner without offending anyone?

Share it here with your fellow imutual members :)

(If they're not-so-clean, try here)

(Continued from this thread)

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sun Nov 03 2019 11:04am

On a really dark night, Seamus and Patrick found themselves a bit lost.
They were stumbling down a boreen, with no streetlights and no moon to guide them.
Then Seamus stubbed his toe on something hard.

He took out his cigarette lighter to see what it was
"Oh ye eejit, Pat!", he exclaimed, "Ye've led us into the churchyard!!"
"Why d'ye say that?", says Patrick

"Well, this stone is for "Miles from Dublin!!"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sun Nov 03 2019 11:39am

"I'm sorry, but you're duck is dead", said the vet
"But you haven't even done any tests!", she complained.

So the vet opened a cage in the corner and brought over a labrador, which sniffed the duck and then looked at vet and shook its head.
Then the vet brought a Siamese from another cage and again it sniffed the duck and shook its head.

"There you are," said the vet, "Confirmation that your duck is no longer alive. That'll be £85 please"
"How much?!!" said the woman, "That seems a bit steep just to confirm that Donald is dead!"

"Well,", said the vet, "Had you taken my word for it, the cost would have been £25"
"But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it comes to £85!!"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sun Nov 03 2019 11:46am

"I dreamed about a diamond ring for Valentine's Day", said the wife, "What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight!", said the husband

So, all day the wife awaited her husband's return and, at last, he arrived with a wrapped package.

Delighted, she tore the paper off - only to find it was a book called "The Meaning of Dreams"

The funeral was on Wednesday.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sun Nov 03 2019 7:46pm

I can give you the leading cause of Anaphylactic shock in a nutshell
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sun Nov 03 2019 10:29pm

WTF is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology :?:
Answers on a postcard. :thumbup:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Nov 04 2019 5:53pm

Some bloke walked up to the counter today and asked for Fish and Chips.
"Certainly sir," I replied. "Is that to eat in, or to take away?"
"eff off, you prick!", he snapped back.

Just one of the challenges for a prison volunteer........
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Nov 04 2019 5:56pm

Long John Silver went to the doctor, concerned about the moles on his back.

The doctor examined him and said "No need to worry - they're benign"

"Count 'em again, doc", said Long John, "I think ee'l find there be ten!!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Nov 04 2019 5:59pm

Seamus walks into a bar and sees Diarmuid in the corner, nursing an empty glass...

"So, will d'ye want another of those?", asks Seamus

"No, I've already got six at home......", replied Diarmuid
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Nov 04 2019 10:52pm

My oxymoron lessons are going terribly well
Politically incorrect since 69

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