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A man had two of the best tickets for the Champion League Final. As he sat down, another man came along and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty."
"That's incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Champion League Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible.
I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral."

Man walks into a bar, and asks for a helicopter-flavoured packet of crisps.
Barman says: "Sorry mate, we only do plane"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 999.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Me "I'm having trouble hearing in my left ear.'
Doctor "Are you certain that's the problem?"
" I'm definite.'

Please remember you can’t walk Black and white dogs today.
It’s Ban Collie day.

My thoughts on Green energy, Huge fan.

My Wife just packed my bags & kicked me out, as I was leaving she screamed at me, "I wish you a slow & painful death". "Oh", I replied, "So now you want me to stay?".

I'm grateful to Chadwick for explaining what 'Bargain' means.
It means a great deal