Clean jokes - 2015

[kevinchess1]

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong, I'm all ears.

[kevinchess1]

I've been kicked out of Peripheral Vision Club.
I didn't see that coming

[kevinchess1]

Judas: Still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

[London Lad]

The old one's are the best:

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
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Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
*************************
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
************************
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
*************************
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..


'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[kevinchess1]

turns out my girlfriend didn't ask me to "shower her with condiments". What a waste of mustard.

[kevinchess1]

For goodness sake,
On my holiday, cruising round the Greek island, I make a light hearted throwaway comment about dropping a 1 Euro coin in the sea...
ANd they all go over board

[expressman33]

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.

Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[1960mackem]

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 -year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place..……smack him again!"


If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you!!

[Scrabble817]

A burglar broke into a music shop last week and got away with the lute.

[Scrabble817]

In another incident, a would-be customer seized a drum then beat it.