Christmas Jokes

[expressman33]

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.”

His wife asked, “How do you know?”

“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

[expressman33]

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Macliam thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics assistant.
She showed him a bottle costing £50.
"That's a bit much," said Macliam, so she returned with a smaller bottle for £30.
"That’s still quite a bit," Macliam groused.
Growing disgusted, the assistant brought out a tiny £15 bottle.
Macliam grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”
So the assistant handed him a mirror.

[expressman33]

What did one snowman say to the other ?

Can you smell carrots ?

[Chadwick]

jUDAS 'sTILL ALL RIGHT for tonight Jesus?'
JC '? What's happening tonight Judas?'
Judas 'The Last supper.'
JC 'The what?'
Judas 'Supper, supper, ordainary supper with the lads.'

Isn't this an Easter joke, not Christmas?

[beginning to understand why some of the quiz questions are 'harder' than others...]

[fattulip74]

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snow balls

[macliam]

expresso bought the missus a sparkling diamond ring for Christmas.

He was telling a friend, who, surprised at such unusual generosity, said "I thought she fancied one of those new luxury 4x4s ..."

"She might have done," replied expresso "But where the heck would I find a fake Range Rover?!!

[macliam]

A week before Christmas, Old Sean from Ballingarry calls his son Padraig in London -
"Yer Ma and I are going to divorce," said he "After 40 years together, we've had enough!"
Padraig is devastated altogether and phones his sister Roisin in New York to let her know.
Roisin phones her Da straight off and says "Ye're to do nothin' until we talk this through... Padraig and I are coming straight home to sort this out!"
Sean turns to his wife with a gleam in his eye and chuckles - "Ye were right, Mary, it worked like a charm! They're both coming home for Christmas AND they're paying their own fares!"

[macliam]

The big multi-national had a reception for all their regional manages to celebrate Christmas. A waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but each guest found that there was a fly in their glass.

The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The German drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
The Irishman ground the fly into the champagne and offered his glass to the Englishman.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now ye wee bastard, spit out all that ye've swallowed!'

[kevinchess1]

jUDAS 'sTILL ALL RIGHT for tonight Jesus?'
JC '? What's happening tonight Judas?'
Judas 'The Last supper.'
JC 'The what?'
Judas 'Supper, supper, ordainary supper with the lads.'

Isn't this an Easter joke, not Christmas?

Don't you just hate it when a religous zealot with a theology degree starts nit picking on every nuance?

Why don't he take his coran back to the synagogue and prey to Ganesha

I notice he's not posted a joke of his own

[kevinchess1]

Resturant owner 'So, if I've got this right Judas, you want a table for 26 but only 13 people will be eating?'
Judas 'Yes that's right, we are only sitting down one side.'