Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
blythburgh
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by blythburgh » Thu Oct 24 2019 11:33am

rayf wrote:
Thu Oct 24 2019 11:01am
macliam wrote:
Thu Oct 24 2019 1:26am
kevinchess1 wrote:
Wed Oct 23 2019 11:00pm
Some sados are letting off fireworks on our street and it's only the middle of October.
Our poor dog is getting so frightened that he's having to hide under the Christmas tree.
..... careful he doesn't find the Easter Eggs!! ;)
'cos chocolate is bad for dogs of course :oops: :think:
Chocolate and a load of other goodies we eat.
Keep smiling because the light at the end of someone's tunnel may be you, Ron Cheneler

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 24 2019 3:41pm

Yer man goes to the Police Station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the previous night......

"You'll have your chance to speak to him in court," says the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" says yer man. "I just wanted to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 24 2019 3:58pm

Leo the lion was patrolling the jungle one day when he met a zebra.
"Who's the king of the jungle ?" boomed Leo "Y-you are..." replied the zebra.

Walking on, he came across a monkey,
"Who's the king of the jungle ?" he roared. "You are, of course !" said the monkey.

Then he saw an elephant walking through the undergrowth.
"Oy, jumbo," growled Leo, "Who's the king of the jungle?"

Jumbo instantly scooped Leo up with his trunk and flung him against a large tree. Then he picked him up again, swung him around his head several times, and hurled him into a nearby lake.

"Alright, alright," said Leo, crawling out of the water, "just because you don't know the answer, there's no need to get angry!"
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Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Oct 24 2019 4:31pm

Yer man walks up to the bar with a salamander on his shoulder.
"A pint of the pure forme - and a glass of water for Tiny" he says to the barman.
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asks the barman.
"Because he's my newt!"

Boom Boom
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Thu Oct 24 2019 8:40pm

I just walked past the jewellers and there was a watch in the window priced at £100,000. I'm sure it was a wind-up.

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Fri Oct 25 2019 6:25pm

Sean and Diarmuid are in the jungle.

By a river they see a man's head sticking out of a crocodile.

"Jeez", says Diarmuid, "would ya look at yer man in his Lacoste sleeping bag!"
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Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Fri Oct 25 2019 6:36pm

Diarmuid goes to the doctor "Will ye ever look at me backside, doctor" says he.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible' he says, 'There is a €20 note lodged up here.'

As he tentatively eases the note from Diamuid's backside a €10 note appears.
Then, as he pulls out the tenner, another twenty appears, then another and another and another.... until, finally, the last note comes out and no more appear.

The doctor, looks at the pile of notes and says "I think there's over €1900 there!"

"Ah, that sounds right enough, doctor", says Diarmuid "I thought I didn't feel too grand!"
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Oct 26 2019 11:53am

T-Rex has just been arrested

He’s accused of being a small arms dealer
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Politically incorrect since 69

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sun Oct 27 2019 7:58pm

"God told me I'm Napoleon!!" says the first lunatic

"When did I tell you that?" says the second....
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sun Oct 27 2019 8:10pm

On her wedding night, the bride says to her husband

"I have to tell you, I used to be a hooker....."

"That's alright, dear - that's in the past - is there anything else I should know?"

She replies "Well, my name was Gareth and I played for Saracens!".
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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