Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
kevinchess1
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:21 pm

I just lost my job makiing keyboards. :(

Apparently I wasn’t putting enough shifts in. :shock:
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:47 pm

I got my water bill today - £280!!

I'm going to change to Oxfam - their leaflet says they can supply water to a whole village for £2 a month!
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:51 pm

Diarmuid couldn't get his credit card to register at Tesco
The exasperated checkout girl said "Strip down, facing me!"
Now he's been banned.......
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:57 pm

The Nigerian football team say they want to thank all their fans for supporting them.
They say that they'll refund everything the fans have spent and send a free pass for their future games.

All fans need do is send their bank details, sort code and pin number and they'll transfer the money straight into their account.... :shifty:
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:21 pm

When I was a kid, you could go to the shops with two shillings and come back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three pints of milk, half a dozen eggs and a packet of tea.

You can't do that anymore - too many security cameras!!
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:22 pm

Sign in the Dublin Municipal Baths

"Due to the continued water shortage, lanes 7 and 8 will remain closed until further notice"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:27 pm

Chadwick and macliam are sitting on the plane together
Chadwick quite nervous and asks ‘ if the plane turns upside down, will we fall out?’
‘No’ Replies macliam, ‘we’ll always be friends.’
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:29 pm

Diarmuid's wife was in labour, so he was down the pub with Mick and Pat.
"Ah," said Mick, "when Moira was in labour, she was watching 'A Tale of two Cities' and she had twins!"
"Go on," said Pat, "Eily was watching 'The Three Musketeers' and she had triplets!"

All the blood drained from Diarmuid's face and he got up to leave...
"Sorry lads, I need to go - Naoimh was watching 'Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves'!!!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:32 pm

kevinchess1 wrote:
Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:27 pm
Chadwick and macliam are sitting on the plane together
Chadwick quite nervous and asks ‘ if the plane turns upside down, will we fall out?’
‘No’ Replies macliam, ‘we’ll always be friends.’
"...and remember, if then plane goes down, don't jump until we're 6 feet off the ground"

"But, won't we die?" asked Chadwick

"Jeez, you can jump 6 feet can't you!"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

kevinchess1
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Nov 12, 2019 6:37 pm

Robin 'The batmobile won’t start
Batman 'Check the battery
Robin '?...What’s a tery?'
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Politically incorrect since 69

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