Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Mar 10 2020 11:42pm

First the good news.... Boris has tested positive and is self-isolating.

Now the bad news..... Cummings isn't affected by any human virus. :(
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Wed Mar 11 2020 11:34am

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know ......
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Fri Mar 13 2020 3:07pm

European Virus Update

England has raised its threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." (England has not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out).

Wales have done the same as England, but with mistranslated labels. Cardiff is unsure what a status of "fluffy cabbage" means.

Scotland has raised its threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard". There are no other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Ireland has joined forces with Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia in a strategy to combat "The threat from the East"

France announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Belgium is divided on its reaction to the virus; Brussels is only concerned at the threat of NATO pulling out.

Holland is under fire from its LGBTQ+ community for its planned increase in the use of dykes for flood defences.

Denmark has denounced any claims that the royal family have overspent on new clothes as "Fairy Tales".

Norway have sent a message saying "So long and thanks for all the fish"

Sweden has produced a new anti-viral kit, but nobody can put it together.....

Finland has increased its threat level from "Let's get pissed" to "Let's get pissed".... there is no other level.

Germany has increased its alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They only have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Austria has welcomed any German assistance in securing its borders.

Poland is nervous - but says its reaction to the Virus has been hit by a lack of builders and plumbers.

Czechy and Slovakia are united in their condemnation of any attack.

Hungary has moved father to the right. It is now close to China.

Romania has blamed the Gypsies.

Bulgaria has blamed Turkey.

The former Yugoslav republics can't agree on their reaction to the virus (or anything else).

Switzerland has a clear strategy to combat the virus - in four languages and different for each canton.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

Spain has insisted that any independent Catalunya take all its virus with it.

Portugal has re-established its borders with Spain, but the Spanish can't read the signs.

The Russians have said “It's not us” Nobody believes them.

Stop press:

The UK has re-categorized the virus from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

Spain is excited to see their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed vessels have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Further afield:

Australia has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Mar 13 2020 4:33pm

Jon McLaughlin (google him) isn't worried about the Corna virus
He cant catch anything

i
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by rayf » Fri Mar 13 2020 6:33pm

macliam wrote:
Tue Mar 10 2020 11:42pm
First the good news.... Boris has tested positive and is self-isolating.

Now the bad news..... Cummings isn't affected by any human virus. :(
So Cummings isn't going then? :) :lol: :lol:
Last edited by rayf on Fri Mar 13 2020 7:44pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Fri Mar 13 2020 7:23pm

rayf wrote:
Fri Mar 13 2020 6:33pm
macliam wrote:
Tue Mar 10 2020 11:42pm
First the good news.... Boris has tested positive and is self-isolating.

Now the bad news..... Cummings isn't affected by any human virus. :(
So Cummings isn't going then? :)
No, Cummings is staying :( (Can't really say "renmaining"!!!) :lol:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Mar 14 2020 12:49pm

Since the football has been suspended, I've had to start talking to the wife...

Just found out she no longer works for Woolworths!
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Chadwick » Sat Mar 14 2020 1:07pm

Would anyone like to buy 100 sausage rolls and 250 scotch eggs?
I misread the headlines and started picnic buying.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by adamred6 » Sat Mar 14 2020 6:10pm

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I'm too cocky.
So I told her to close the door on the way back in

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by adamred6 » Sat Mar 14 2020 6:17pm

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
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