Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Wed Jun 10, 2020 11:33 am

Here is a remarkable tale about a small boy named Bert, he was not the brightest lad in the class.
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,
"Youre driving me mad Bert".
One day Bert's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved to another town and school.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes
after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but before she could say a word she died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bert
(working as a cleaner in the clinic) he had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!
Don't tell me .................

you thought Bert became a heart-surgeon didn't you?
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Jun 10, 2020 1:55 pm

Mick's will provided €30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

In the end, it was a relatively simple affair, with a cardboard coffin delivered in the back of his old van and chicken and chips at the local pub for the mourners.

Sinead asked Mick's wife how much the funeral had cost and was shocked to be told that Eileen had blown the whole €30k.

"All of it?" asked Sinead "I mean, it was nice, but €30,000! How come?"

"Well," said Eileen, "the funeral was €2000. I donated €1000 to the church. The wake, the food and drinks were another €2000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sinead did a quick calculation "€25,000 for a memorial stone? Jeez, how big is it?!!"

"Two and a half carats!" smiled Eileen
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Jun 11, 2020 3:07 pm

Image
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expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Thu Jun 11, 2020 7:30 pm

A song has been made about the women at Aldi who are not married or haven't got a boyfriend .
It goes :- Aldi single ladies , Aldi single ladies

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:50 am

There are 2 types of people in the world. those who can spell, and those who kant.
Politically incorrect since 69

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Fri Jun 12, 2020 12:57 pm

Jokes about white sugar are rare. But jokes about brown sugar, demerara.....
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Fri Jun 12, 2020 1:04 pm

kevinchess1 wrote:
Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:50 am
There are 2 types of people in the world. those who can spell, and those who kant.
No, no - there are those who strive for good things and those who Kant. (one for the philosophers out there... ;) )
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by sanity clause » Fri Jun 12, 2020 6:41 pm

kevinchess1 wrote:
Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:50 am
There are 2 types of people in the world. those who can spell, and those who kant.
Ah, the polite version... :oops:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Jun 13, 2020 12:01 pm

Alphthunderfrog was collecting money for a local animal welfare group, when he knocked on expresso door
"Well, said expresso "I have a mother who is in a private hospital, needing very expensive treatment every week, I have children who are in university and it's costing a fortune in fees and just trying to stay alive, I have a special needs grandchild who needs 24 hour supervision and my elder daughter who can't cope and needs money for help. Then there's my own wife, needing a small fortune for reconstructive surgery after being run over. "
"I'm so sorry, " I said, "I knew nothing of any of this. "

"Well, " he replied, "If I'm not giving them anything, what chance do you think you have?"
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu Jun 18, 2020 3:11 am

"You need a new dishwasher" said Maureen, out of the blue....

Mick was shocked.... he didn't even know she was unhappy!
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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