Over 18s jokes - 2012

[Fuggsy]

When God made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole become mad and closed up. After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, thr eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss. This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss.... just an asshole.

[Fuggsy]

God spoke to Adam. "Adam I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will give you two organs to give you great power and pleasure. I will give you a brain to enable you to think and to control the world. And I will give you a penis to give great pleasure in lovemaking."

"Sounds great God!" said Adam. "But what's the bad news?"

"You only have enough blood to work one at a time."

[Fuggsy]

Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump. On the day of the jump he told his wife that he couldn't do it but she reassured him and sent him off for the jump. On his return she asked him how it went.

"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"

"So what happened?" she pressed.

"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.

"Well... did you jump?" she asked

"Yes, - a little bit at first..."

[Fuggsy]

Jobs were hard to get but there was a vacancy at the zoo. On arrival, Pat was told that the gorilla had just died and that they wanted him to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla untill another one could be found.
Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.
One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely. He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."

[Fuggsy]

It was Christmas time and the housewife was waiting impatiently at the front gate for the refuse truck. One by one, she took the binmen to the bedroom and made passionate love to them.

Finally, it was the driver's turn. However, he was bitterly disappointed when she gave him £20.

"What's this?", he cried.

"For Christmas", she replied. "My husband said, "Give the driver £20 and fuck the rest."

[Fuggsy]

"Oh no, it's my husband!", she said to her boyfriend on hearing the front door slam. "Quick hide in the wardrobe!"
He grabbed his clothes and dashed from the bed to the wardrobe.
After a few minutes, another voice said quietly, "It's damn dark in here, isn't it?"
The man, shivering in the nude, said, "Who's there?"
The little voice replied, "Give me £50 and I won't yell out to Dad and tell him who you are."
In no position to argue, he handed over the money, and at the appropriate time made a quick dash out the window.
The following week, Junior came home with a brand new set of roller blades. His mother queried, "Where did you get the money for those?"
"I had £50", he replied.
"Where did you get that kind of money?", but Junior wasn't telling.
Convinced her son was up to no good, she ordered him to go to Church. "Confession will fix you up, my boy. You'll have to tell the Priest", and she pushed him into the confessional box and shut the door.
"It's damn dark in here", he said out loud.
"Now, don't start that again!", said the Priest.

[Fuggsy]

Ivon looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.

"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her £20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I'd given the £20 to."

"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.

"She gave me £10 change", Ivan replied.

[zulu17]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband, Harry, had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake, Harry! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[Fuggsy]

An old hooker went to the gynocologist for an examination.

As the doctor moved his head down between her legs he said excitedly, "That's the biggest one I've ever seen! That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"You didn't have to say it twice!", she said with embarrassment.

"I didn't!" he replied.

[Fuggsy]

The young guy was a weight lifter and very proud of his physique.

"After I won Gold at the Olympics", he told his new girlfriend, "I got quite a few advertising contracts. Have a look at this." He rolled up his sleeves. On each of his biceps he had 'NIKE' tattooed. "A thousand dollars for each arm", he said.

He removed his shirt. 'SLAZENGER' was tattooed over his chest. "I got $10,000 for that one."

He removed his trousers and displayed "PUMA' tattooed on his legs. "And I got $5,000 for this", he added.

But when she saw "AIDS' tattooed on his penis, she was horrified and ran for the door.

"Don't go!", he said. "If you stay, you'll find out why I got $20,000 from ADIDAS.