Over 18s jokes - 2012

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Oct 15 2012 9:53am

Frank and Harry had been partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.
"How was it?", enquired Harry.
"Fantastic! And I don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."
A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better in the cot than your wife!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Thu Oct 18 2012 9:10am

"I see" said the blind man, as he pissed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Oct 18 2012 10:07am

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Oct 19 2012 10:37am

A 90-year-old man checked into a posh hotel to celebrate his birthday. As a surprise, some friends sent a call girl to his room. When the man answered his door, he saw before him a beautiful young woman. "I have a present for you." she told him.

"Really?" replied the bewildered man.

"I'm here to give you super sex." she said softly.

"Thanks," he said thoughtfully. "I'll take the soup."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat Oct 20 2012 9:26am

"We specialize In hygiene", said the sign at the bread shop.
The customer was delighted when she saw the baker pick up her rolls with a pair of tongs and put them in a bag.
"Untouched by human hands!", said the baker.
"Very good!" said the customer, "but tell me, what is that piece of string hanging out of your fly?"
"hygiene!", said the baker. "When I have a piss I pull it out with the string. My hand never touches my dick."
"How do you put it back?", asked the customer.
With the tongs", replied the baker.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Oct 21 2012 12:46pm

Francis had the flu.
"Why don't you take the day off?" said one of his workmates. "But the boss wouldn't like it", said Francis, coughing and sneezing.
"Don't worry, he's never here on Wednesdays anyway."
So Francis took his friend's advice and went home. As he passed his bedroom window, he saw his boss in bed with his wife. He rushed back to the office and said to his mate, "That was a close one. I nearly got caught!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Oct 22 2012 10:09am

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I used the F word this morning on the golf course."
"Tell me, my son, what were the circumstances that put you under such extreme provocation?"
"I drove my tee shot three hundred metres, but the wind suddenly caught it and it landed in the rough."
"I can appreciate your disappointment. I am a golfer myself."
"No, that's not it, Father, I hit a beautiful shot out of the rough. It dropped about ten metres short and rolled into a sand trap."
"Now", said the Priest, "I can really understand you using the F word."
"No, Father. I pulled out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot, In fact, the ball hit the pin and bounced two inches from the hole."
"Is that where you used the F word?"
"No, Father."
"Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Oct 23 2012 10:53am

A lawyer, suspecting his wife of having an affair, called his home one afternoon to check on her.
"I am Nicholson," the lawyer introduced himself to the other person who he believed to be the new maid his wife had taken in earlier in the morning.
"Can I speak to Mrs. Nicholson?"
"I'm afaid Mrs. Nicholson cannot come to the phone", she answered.
"Ah, you mean she has gone out?" asked the lawyer.
"No, as a matter of fact she is in the bedroom," she answered.
"I see, she must be sleeping?" the lawyer asked.
"No. The milkman is with her," she said. Enraged, the lawyer said, "I will pay you $10,000 if you can kill both of them. There should be no trouble at all but if there is any hitch, I will be able to defend you in court."
He then gave instructions for her to get the gun from the study and shoot his wife and the milkman. After a while he heard two gun shots over the phone.
"I have already killed both of them," he heard the frightened voice of the maid on the other side.
"Good! Now slowly drag the bodies into the swimming pool, " instructed the lawyer.
"What swimming pool?" enquired the maid.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Oct 25 2012 10:48am

The doctor was examining the pretty, and well endowed patient, and thinking her to be naive proceeded to take advantage of the situation.
Putting his hands around her breasts he asked her, "What am I doing?"
"You are taking my heartbeat," she answered. The doctor smiled to himself at the girl's innocence.
He then unzipped his trousers and put his penis into her mouth at the same time asking her, "What am I dong?"
"You are taking my temperature," she said.
By now, the doctor really thought he had the most gullible patient in front of him and next thing, he was already on top of her.
"What am I doing now?" he asked the girl.
"You are getting Aids because that's what I came to see you about," she answered.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat Oct 27 2012 10:14am

A layman and a vicar were playing golf one day, and the layman was not having a good game. Each time he missed an easy putt, he would say, "Oh shit, I've missed.

The vicar, after a while could no longer put up with this and was forced to show his disapproval with the layman.

"You really must not keep using such dreadful language or the Lord may strike you down," he said.

Just as the words were out of his mouth, there came a flash of lightning and in a split second the vicar was burnt to a crisp!

Then, above the roaring claps of thunder a deep voice was heard saying, "Oh, shit, I've missed!"
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