Over 18s jokes - 2013

[Fuggsy]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want enough to stop me peeing on my shoes."

[Fuggsy]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £ 2.50
Hand Job: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[Fuggsy]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'.... and she's always sound asleep!"

[Fuggsy]

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.

She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

[Fuggsy]

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. As he's leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger....CLICK...empty chamber.

He hands the revolver to his African guest and says," Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual.. CLICK....empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. As he's leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn."

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are 6 of the most beautiful,naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose 1 of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"

The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."

[Fuggsy]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit on my face, and then this naked guy jumped out of the wardrobe with his hands up! "

[Fuggsy]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.

Dear friends,

We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.

[Fuggsy]

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment,
where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there. You're about to cum!"

[Fuggsy]

A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the frequency of sex that could still be considered normal. "Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly, and there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people here make love more than twice a week?"

A few hands shot up.

"Twice a week?"

A few more hands.

"Weekly, on average?"

Many hands.

"Once every two weeks?" he continued and, "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once a year?"

At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly. "Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "But if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"

Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!"

[Fuggsy]

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."