Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Mar 13 2013 9:26am

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this... but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Mar 14 2013 9:17am

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied, "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied, "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked, "How come you put so little water in the tub?"

He replied, "I didn't want to wet your bingo card!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Mar 15 2013 9:37am

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"NOW, TELL HIM YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by myfyr » Sun Mar 17 2013 9:41am

Q: What do you call an Englishman with a bottle of champagne?
A: A Waiter.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Mar 17 2013 11:32am

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo".

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"Well, if its all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady.

"But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Mar 18 2013 9:25am

A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine
Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction
bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be
auctioned off:

A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: See! That was
more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year.
Again the wife bugs her husband: Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen
reproduced 360 times last year!
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: That's once a day,
every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: Sure, once a
day... But they're not all with the same cow!
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Mar 19 2013 9:29am

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by FelixOnline » Tue Mar 19 2013 1:51pm

Q: What do blondes do after sucking c*ck?

A: Spit out the feathers
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Mar 19 2013 3:37pm

Bumped into Luke who seemed abit down
'wot's up mate :?: '
'I've been shagging the neighbour for ages and the wife's just found out :( '
'What's gonna happen then :?: '
'Think she's gonna divorce him :o :D
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Politically incorrect since 69

Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Mar 20 2013 9:05am

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but
they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
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