Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Mar 21 2013 9:23am

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and botily functions.

The 70 year old says " I get up at seven every morning and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says "My case is worse, I get up at eight every morning and grunt and groan for half an hour before I have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says " At seven I pee like a horse and at eight I shit like a cow." " So what's your problem?" ask the other two men. " I don't wake up until nine!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Mar 22 2013 9:16am

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat Mar 23 2013 12:23pm

THE GREAT DEBATE
_____________________________
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had
to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the
Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a
religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the
Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to
stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not
speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was
decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and
raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe
pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a
communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an
apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the
debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what
had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to
show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What
could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking
what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews
have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said
to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Mar 26 2013 9:15am

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Mar 27 2013 8:54am

A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, 'So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.'
The priest replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.'

The rabbi continues, 'And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The rabbi replies, 'No thanks... I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Mar 27 2013 9:42am

My wife developed breast cancer and told me her doctor suggested a double mastectomy, :(
so I went online to see if there was any alternative.

Tracy, 36, from Newcastle looks a good one. :thumbup:
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Apr 01 2013 10:40am

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Apr 03 2013 10:06am

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be
a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." Replies the frog. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."


They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Apr 04 2013 9:36am

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:
'The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need -- a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The salesman eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'It's my job,' the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about new shoes?' Joe was on a roll and said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, 'Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide.' Joe was astonished, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.'

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a second and said, 'Sure.' The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,'Let's see ...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Apr 05 2013 10:24am

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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