Clean jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Fri Apr 05 2013 1:56pm

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web..

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.





The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!



Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Mel
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Mel » Fri Apr 05 2013 4:05pm

Expresso has just opened the book of jokes Raich gave him for his birthday.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by adamred6 » Fri Apr 05 2013 8:27pm

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Apr 05 2013 11:10pm

And Jesus said unto him
"My Father's house has many rooms. Unfortunately, thanks to Iain Duncan Smith's welfare reforms,
he can't afford to live there anymore. :thumbdown:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Apr 05 2013 11:13pm

Think I'll send a postcard to North Korea,

We're all having a great time here you fat deluded moron

Regards, Macckem

Sunderland :?
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Apr 08 2013 5:36pm

When you hear all the praise for Thatcher just remember the people- like my Grandad-
whose jobs were destroyed by her policies. :thumbdown:
He was the captain of the Belgrano :?
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Apr 09 2013 7:39pm

On Twitter, I've just seen the hashtag, #nowthatchersdead, :shock:
I didn't know Cher had died :(
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Apr 16 2013 11:24pm

My newborn son kept screaming at 3am this morning, so against my wife's wishes, I took him out of his moses basket and laid him on the bed beside me.

It was literally a matter of seconds before he dropped off. :thumbup:

He then continued to scream on the floor. :?
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xxxraichxxx
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Fri Apr 26 2013 8:31am

Conjunctivitis.com, now there's a site for sore eyes!
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Tue May 07 2013 9:58pm

My uncle would always say, "Pick a card. Any card". He was the most impatient Clinton's employee ever.
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