Over 18s jokes - 2013

[Fuggsy]

A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop, and hung it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
said "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."

Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both returned.

The husband crossed his fingers and said, "Mirror mirror, on the door,
make my penis touch the floor!"

Again there was a bright flash, and his legs fell off.

[Fuggsy]

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got
out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

[Fuggsy]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor an arsehole!"

[kevinchess1]

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "F*******g brilliant!"

Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene

[kevinchess1]

Mel was saying he's looking forward to seeing the 'Evil Dead' next week.
A pretty tasteless thing to call Margaret Thatcher's funeral, if you ask me.

[Fuggsy]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining.

That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.

So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone.

Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.

At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

[kevinchess1]

"Would you stop reading 'The Sun', it's illiterate, sexist crap."

Said my busty wife, 27

[Fuggsy]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

[Fuggsy]

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

[kevinchess1]

I've just seen that horrible footage, people legging it, women & children crying and injured, bits of bodies lying in the street, people wandering aimlessly wondering what on earth is going on and in fear of what might happen next.

It must be awful living in Newcastle at the moment