Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri May 03 2013 9:27am

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: 'All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?'

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: 'I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor.'
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri May 03 2013 11:03pm

Our records show that you could be entitled to £3,047 compensation as a result of mishandling back in 1967. Text 1 for Rolf, 2 for Hall or 3 for Savile and we will send you a pack. :D
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri May 10 2013 9:16am

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon May 13 2013 9:14am

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue May 14 2013 9:56am

The deaf mute needed condoms and nervously approached the pharmacist. He opened his fly, put his penis on the counter, pointed to it and laid a £10 note next to it.

With an understanding nod, the pharmacist took out his penis, laid it beside the other man's, grinned in triumph, grabbed the money and walked away.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed May 15 2013 9:50am

The farmer's wife was feeling lonely and neglected. There was a knock on the door. When she answered, there stood a tramp asking for a handout. She noticed that the tramp had very large shoes and she remembered that men who have big feet also have big dicks. So she invited him in.

She gave him a feed and a couple of glasses of wine then took him to bed. When the tramp woke up the next morning, he found $60 on his pillow and a brief note which said, "Buy yourself a pair of shoes that fit."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu May 16 2013 10:28am

Two city blokes were watching Dave grooming his prize bull. One of them checked his watch and found that it had stopped, so he called to Dave, "Can you tell us the time?"
Dave squatted down and put his two hands under the bull's testicles, lifted them gently and said, "it's four thirty."
"That's incredible!", said one of the city guys.
"You country fellas have really got a sixth sense about nature."
They wandered off, discussing what Dave had done, and just couldn't work it out. So they went back and Dave was still grooming his prize bull.
"Can you tell us the time again?", asked one of the city blokes.
"Sure", said Dave. Squatting down he carefully lifted the bull's testicles and said, "It's five past five."
"That amazing! Do you reckon you could show us how to do that?"
"Sure", said Dave, "come over here."
"Now, squat down, gently lift the bull's balls, and you can see the Town Hall clock from here."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri May 17 2013 9:52am

The young guy was not proud of his small penis and was very shy about it. When he took his new girlfriend to bed for the first time he insisted that they turn out the lights. In the darkness, he put his erection in her hand.

"No thank you", she said, "I don't smoke."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat May 18 2013 10:05am

Two Italinan men get on a bus and take a seat behind a middle aged lady. An animated conversation takes place between the two Italians.
"Emma come first, Den I come. Den two asses, dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once more."
The lady looked around and angrily said, "You filty, foul mouthed swine! In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
'You coola down, lady", said the Italian. "I'ma justa tellin my friend how to spella Mississippi."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue May 21 2013 9:45am

He was 6'6" tall and was wearing high heeled boots and a ten gallon hat, he was approached by a woman.
"I'll bet you're from Texas", she said. "is it true that everything is big in Texas?"
"It sure is, m'am." said the Texan.

One thing led to another, and the Texan was invited back to her partment. He took off his big Texas hat, and his big Texas boots, and his big Texas pants and lo and behold, proved that everything from Texas was very big.

Later, having a post-coital cigarette, the Texan asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"
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