Clean jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
Mel
Posts: 1855
Joined: Wed Jun 30 2010 10:56am
Has thanked: 2000 times
Been thanked: 1210 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Mel » Wed May 08 2013 8:39pm

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.
Thanked by: zulu17

TheQmoq
Posts: 43
Joined: Sun Dec 02 2012 11:48am
Has thanked: 2 times
Been thanked: 14 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by TheQmoq » Wed May 08 2013 8:46pm

The worst letter I ever wrote .....

Dear Jim, can you please fix it for me to go on "It's a Knockoout!".

;)
Thanked by: kevinchess1

xxxraichxxx
Posts: 3608
Joined: Tue Jun 29 2010 10:24pm
Location: Manchester
Has thanked: 3489 times
Been thanked: 1687 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Fri May 10 2013 12:24am

Today I noticed someone waving, but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I'm a rubbish lifeguard.
Thanked by: kevinchess1, Denant

Mel
Posts: 1855
Joined: Wed Jun 30 2010 10:56am
Has thanked: 2000 times
Been thanked: 1210 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Mel » Sat Jun 22 2013 10:45pm

"Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
Thanked by: kevinchess1, adamred6

kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Jun 28 2013 10:19am

Q.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Thanked by: adamred6
Politically incorrect since 69

kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Jul 11 2013 4:02pm

Can Lynx fumes get you high :?:

The reason I ask is because I just sprayed a wasp to make him smell nice and he immediately started doing some weird breakdance. :?
Thanked by: Denant
Politically incorrect since 69

macliam
Posts: 11226
Joined: Thu Jul 18 2013 12:26pm
Location: By the Deben, Suffolk
Has thanked: 1630 times
Been thanked: 9279 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Aug 20 2013 10:29am

Never go to a resort surrounded by pine forests. ;)

No beech. :roll:
Thanked by: blythburgh, kevinchess1
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
Posts: 11226
Joined: Thu Jul 18 2013 12:26pm
Location: By the Deben, Suffolk
Has thanked: 1630 times
Been thanked: 9279 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Aug 20 2013 10:35am

"But Grandma, I don't want to go on an official visit to Alaska!" said Prince Harry "It's too cold!!"
The Queen replied, "Wear the fox hat"
"Near Canada" said Harry :D
Thanked by: kevinchess1, Denant
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

macliam
Posts: 11226
Joined: Thu Jul 18 2013 12:26pm
Location: By the Deben, Suffolk
Has thanked: 1630 times
Been thanked: 9279 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Tue Aug 20 2013 11:57pm

Seamus was hosting his Texan cousin on the farm in Mayo and was a bit jaded by his guests continuous comparisons with things "back home in the US".

Rolling home from the pub, the cousin says "You know, back home my ranch is so big, why, I can get in my car at dawn and drive until nightfall and still be on my own land!"

Wihout batting an eye, Seamus replies "Sure, I once had a car like that too!" :mrgreen:
Thanked by: blythburgh
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

blythburgh
Posts: 17733
Joined: Tue Jun 29 2010 7:14pm
Location: The Far East
Has thanked: 35001 times
Been thanked: 6106 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by blythburgh » Wed Aug 21 2013 8:44am

The same American was boasting about how much bigger and better everything was back home. Just then the Queen Mary 2 sailed out of Southampton harbour. "Guess that is one of those ocean liners", said the American. "No, just the Isle of Wight ferry", Kirsty replied.
Thanked by: macliam
Keep smiling because the light at the end of someone's tunnel may be you, Ron Cheneler

Locked

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests