Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed May 22, 2013 10:39 am

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a mile down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump"
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an6ypan6y
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Wed May 22, 2013 2:28 pm

I spent some time by the wife's grave today.


She thinks I'm digging a pond.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu May 23, 2013 9:19 am

At the church, the vicar and his wife are greeting the parishoners, one fine morning.

A beautiful young woman approaches, and the vicar says "A new face.... welcome my dear. You look familiar, though... Do I recognize you from somewhere."

The girl says "Probably vicar. I'm a porn star"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Thu May 23, 2013 10:24 am

One of my ex girlfriends keeps coming round..........


That'll teach me to use cheap chloroform
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Thu May 23, 2013 2:24 pm

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...


Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
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1960mackem
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Fri May 24, 2013 12:14 pm

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda peed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads.
I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the fairy godmother, "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies, "I don't do willies.
You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.
As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother.
He implores her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears.
None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ol' twig and berries.
They remain purple...
He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says,"I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers,that's easy,just follow the yellow dick'd toad!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat May 25, 2013 9:58 am

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun May 26, 2013 11:42 am

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a very rural area. Luckily, Farmer Jones came to help with his big strong horse named Hobo . . .

He hitched ole Hobo up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!". Hobo didn't move a muscle... just flicked away a fly
with his tail.

Then Jones hollered out, "C'mon, pull, Davey, pull!" Again, ole Hobo didn't move.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Stetson, pull!" Nothing from Hobo.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Hobo. C'mon, boy, pull!", and the horse easily dragged the car up, out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times in a row.

Wise Farmer Jones answered, "Well, ole, Hobo here is blind as a bat. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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1960mackem
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Tue May 28, 2013 10:41 am

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional.
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."


I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny." :o

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue May 28, 2013 11:50 am

A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear turned to the rabbit and asked if he had any problems with shit sticking to his fur.

The rabbit, indignant by the remark snorted smartly and replied "No, of course not!"

So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his arse with him.
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