Bloomin Quentin Tarantino has an awful lot to answer for
When I see him I’ll will give him a good slap.
I always think Q a bit 'Emperor New clothes'
‘Reservoir Dogs’ was a cracking film and 'Dusk till dawn' was a lot of messy fun
But everything else…carp
‘Kill Bill’ a 3 minute film expanded to 4 hours.
'Jacky Brown', drivel 'Pulp fiction'
WTF was that about?
You may wonder why I mention Q when he don’t hav anything to do with 'Machete' and why I mention him
But it was he who, single handedily, resurrected the B movie just cause he wanted to, which in return meant that stuff like 'Machete' got maid.
B movie, Low budget, Violent, exploitive and full of one dimensional characters and didn’t make a lot of sense
This has all that apart from the Low budget
Well Bob DE Niro don’t come cheep nor Jessica Alba, Nor Don Johnson no wait a minute he probably does Lindsay Lohan I thought she was in Prison
Usually is 
.I hav many tried and tested rules about films, one being 'If Steven Segal init then its carp'
And with the possible exception of 'Executive action’ which gets better when he dies, and possibly 'Under Siege' I’m right
2 Paragraphs writen and not a single word about the story of 'Machete'
It’s a bit like when you got a job you don’t want to do like, pickin up yer son’s socks, wormin the cat or talkin to the wife.
You just keep putting it of
Well here goes;
Danny Trejo plays Machete, see what they did there, he’s a Mexican policeman tryin to rescue a hostage from a Drug lord, Steve, who I mentioned earlyer.
Durin said event he dispatches about a dozen baddys, armed with automatic weapons, using only a Machete.
If you not sure what a Machete is then it’s like a big knife if you go clubbin in Bristol
or like a small sword if you go clubbin in Bexhill.
Bac to the film, all goes pair shape and his wife, partner and the hostage die and his left to die in a burnin building.(I REALLY wish he had)
3 years later with no explanation he’s an illegal immigrant in a Texan town workin day to day in the blac market.
For sum reason a Business man gives him $150,000 dollars and a Hi powered sniper rifle to kill a politician, as you do,
He then, naturally enough, gives the money to the lady runnin the Taco stall, as you do.
The assignation attempt goes wrong and he gets shot in the leg.
(Big breath) so Machete, covered in blood and tattoos and with his face on TV, hunted by all the law enforcement agency’s
Decide to go see this business man in broad daylight and find out what’s goin on
If your startin to think ‘Spoilers’ tough I had to watch this so you can bloomin well read about it
Turn up at the house where the Wife/mother and daughter are makin a Porn film and invite him to join them
The amount of times that has happen to me
I don’t think I can write much more I fell me brain imploding
Suffice to say it all ends up with a Big gun fight between the Mexicans and the Rednecs whilst Steve and Danny have a fight surrounded by men with guns all shootin each other!
Did I mention his brothers a priest?
He gets crucified
On And Jessie a Cop who joins up with him because… I don’t remember
Oh and Michele gets shot in the eye/brain but is fine 2 hours later.
Think I mention all of it
One of the DVD Extras is secret filmin of the audience's reaction to certain scenes
If you see me suddenly jump out of me seat screamin it because the end credits start with the legend
‘Comin soon Machete kills! Followed by Machete kills again.’
AVOID!
