Christmas Jokes

[macliam]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPZ09DseJ8k

"Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh", Allan Sherman looked like an accountant ..... but didn't he do well!

[kevinchess1]

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus.

"What would you like for Christmas?" asks the man in red.

"I would like a Barbie Doll and a Action man" says the little girl.

"I can do that," says Santa. "But doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

"No," says the little girl, "She comes with Action man. She fakes it with Ken."

[kevinchess1]

I've got meself an Oscar Pistoruis advent calnder, sponsored by Smirnoff
A shot behind every door

[macliam]

.... gone too quiet

kev phoned the grocer and asked for a pound of sprouts
"They're called kilos now" said the grocer
"OK, I'll have a pound of kilos"

[kevinchess1]

...and macliam was actually in the greengrocers at the time and asks for some potatoes
'Will yer take King Edwards?' asks the grocer.
'No that privileged twat can come and get his own!'

[macliam]

Michael O'Leary had been to the Ryanair Christmas do in Dublin
As there'd been no alcohol served (of course!) he goes into a bar and asks for a pint of Guinness.
"That will be one Euro, please," says the barman.
"My goodness, that seems very cheap!" smiles O'Leary.
"...............Would you be wanting a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman

[Chadwick]

Don't you just hate it when a religous zealot with a theology degree starts nit picking on every nuance?

If I knew one, I'd tell you.

I notice he's not posted a joke of his own

Er... I refer you to my response to the previous question.

[Chadwick]

Resturant owner 'So, if I've got this right Judas, you want a table for 26 but only 13 people will be eating?'
Judas 'Yes that's right, we are only sitting down one side.'

Restaurant Owner: "And this is for your Christmas party?"
Judas: "Yes. But just before Easter. You'll still have Christmas decs up won't you?"


[Camera pans across the restaurant to a table in the corner where a young couple are about to order dessert...]

Waiter: "And for you Madam?"
Mary: "The baby cheeses"

[kevinchess1]

As one door closes, another one opens.
blythburgh and her Advent calender

[kevinchess1]

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away"
George Michael praises the NHS's organ donor scheme