Clean jokes - 2011

The light-hearted side of life
blythburgh
Posts: 14736
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:14 pm
Location: The Far East
Has thanked: 26507 times
Been thanked: 5416 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by blythburgh » Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:34 am

Why???

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose brilliant idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Thanked by: adamred6
Keep smiling because the light at the end of someone's tunnel may be you, Ron Cheneler

richard@imutual
Posts: 4253
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:19 am
Sharing: 3stars.png
Has thanked: 1752 times
Been thanked: 3467 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by richard@imutual » Fri Apr 22, 2011 8:48 am

The new Zoo keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

kevinchess1
Posts: 21845
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:02 pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 10898 times
Been thanked: 14892 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Apr 26, 2011 4:53 pm

... bac the next day and he was cleanin out the Cobra Corral when said cobra went for him and he ended up killin it and feedin it to the lions
As he turn to leave he noticed he had been watch by a drawf from Africa
realisin he'd lose he job he kill him and fed him to the lions aswell
Later that day another new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had 'Snake and Pigmy pie :D '
Thanked by: rayf
Politically incorrect since 69

rayf
Posts: 1494
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:50 pm
Has thanked: 374 times
Been thanked: 603 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by rayf » Tue Apr 26, 2011 6:15 pm

Two fish in a tank.







One says to the other...........



........."isn't it my turn to drive?"

:lol:
Thanked by: kevinchess1

kevinchess1
Posts: 21845
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:02 pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 10898 times
Been thanked: 14892 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:03 pm

...3 teddys in an airin cupbored
witch one the solider?
the one sittin on the tank
Thanked by: Mel
Politically incorrect since 69

1960mackem
Posts: 2538
Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:53 am
Has thanked: 1219 times
Been thanked: 1755 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by 1960mackem » Thu May 12, 2011 10:37 am

Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?

'I am having trouble finding the net'

Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir.




'Yes. Its Fernando Torres' :lol:
Thanked by: Mel, kevinchess1, adamred6

HeadHunter
Posts: 295
Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:34 am
Has thanked: 68 times
Been thanked: 155 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by HeadHunter » Fri Jun 24, 2011 6:04 am

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe
in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed
there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's
the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Thanked by: Mel, kevinchess1, rayf, adamred6

blythburgh
Posts: 14736
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:14 pm
Location: The Far East
Has thanked: 26507 times
Been thanked: 5416 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by blythburgh » Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:26 am

The funniest video I have ever seen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EV ... dium#t=125
Thanked by: miles19
Keep smiling because the light at the end of someone's tunnel may be you, Ron Cheneler

Mel
Posts: 1855
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 10:56 am
Has thanked: 1999 times
Been thanked: 1210 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Mel » Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:42 pm

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the
curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out
of me..."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I
didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so
badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely
my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
hearse for 25 years.
Thanked by: bigjimbob

kevinchess1
Posts: 21845
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:02 pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 10898 times
Been thanked: 14892 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Sep 21, 2011 8:17 am

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says
to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The
other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
Thanked by: Mel
Politically incorrect since 69

Locked

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests