Clean jokes - 2012

The light-hearted side of life
kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Jun 25 2012 3:16pm

kevinchess1 wrote:I just wanted to share with you all that I have been voted one of Britain's safest drivers :thumbup:
... Hang on the lights are changing :?
Mel wrote:Come on Kev. we all know this isn't your own joke - the correct spelling is a dead give-away :lol:


eyeI jus wanna to shair with ewe al that eye hav bean votedd won off Britan's savest divers :thumbup:
... ang onn the lites is chargin :thumbup:
Thanked by: Mel
Politically incorrect since 69

1960mackem
Posts: 2538
Joined: Sun Jul 11 2010 2:53am
Has thanked: 1219 times
Been thanked: 1755 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by 1960mackem » Mon Jun 25 2012 3:38pm

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE - Sometimes I even put a little in the food.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets too bad, I take something for it.
Thanked by: kevinchess1, Mel, zulu17

sanity clause
Posts: 2122
Joined: Sat Dec 10 2011 10:01am
Has thanked: 174 times
Been thanked: 740 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by sanity clause » Thu Jun 28 2012 10:45am

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Thanked by: kevinchess1

kevinchess1
Posts: 23770
Joined: Mon Jun 28 2010 11:02pm
Location: Miles away from the sea
Has thanked: 12599 times
Been thanked: 17167 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Jun 28 2012 2:44pm

Mel goes into Comet with his laptop
'Hello, the other day i bought a cheap laptop from here in the sale.
It's bloody useless, the screen just stays black and the keyboard keeps over heating. :thumbdown:

"I think you will find that its a George Forman Grill Sir :?
Thanked by: Mel
Politically incorrect since 69

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Jul 08 2012 3:16pm

Two atoms walking down the road. The first atom says "I think I've lost an electron".

The second says "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive"
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Jul 09 2012 9:36am

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me. "Fancy buying me a drink?" She said.

"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."

"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"

"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."

"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."

So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, please, mate."
Thanked by: kevinchess1

zulu17
Posts: 457
Joined: Thu Jul 01 2010 1:36pm
Has thanked: 145 times
Been thanked: 200 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by zulu17 » Mon Jul 09 2012 11:37am

Image
spoof ad
Thanked by: 1960mackem, kevinchess1

1960mackem
Posts: 2538
Joined: Sun Jul 11 2010 2:53am
Has thanked: 1219 times
Been thanked: 1755 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by 1960mackem » Wed Jul 11 2012 8:31am

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
after the tsumani and reactor melt-down.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Jul 11 2012 10:58am

I said to my other half, "Have you got a newspaper?"

"Don't be daft!" she replied. "Here... use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Fuggsy
Posts: 2502
Joined: Wed Jun 06 2012 11:32am
Has thanked: 87 times
Been thanked: 759 times
Contact:

Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Jul 12 2012 5:26pm

Me: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my backside".

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that".
Thanked by: kevinchess1

Locked

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests