Clean jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
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Clean jokes - 2013

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 3:02 pm

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:13 am

Wife was panicing cause her hair was all fly away
'For goodness sake' I said 'get a grip!'
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:58 pm

I passed a homeless guy shivering outside Pizza Hut. Stopping, I crouched next to him.

"Not the best night for sleeping rough, my friend" I said.

"Got nowhere else, 'ave I?" he replied, through chattering teeth.

"I've got a spare bedroom, you know?"

He looked up at me, eyes shining with tears. "Yeah?"

"Yep." I smiled. "There's an old sleeping bag in there somewhere. Wait here :?
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 3:06 pm

They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.

Somebody came in speaking English :?
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:49 pm

Outrageous :evil:
I was disgusted when I found out that my frozen lasagne contained no beef at all. :thumbdown:

I'm not buying a Linda McCartney ready meal again. :?
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by jaytee » Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:33 pm

The Horse Meat issue is affecting vegetarian meals too.

Food has been found to contain traces of Uniquorn!
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:18 pm

Michelle turned Ricky Gervais down when he asked her for a date. :(

She said she doesn't go out with anyone from the office :D
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Sat Mar 16, 2013 7:37 pm

Q. How does the Pope get paid ?

A. By papal
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:09 pm

I cant believe it! Ive just been to tesco's and some bloke started flinging butter, cheese and milk at me! . . . How dairy!
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Sarah » Tue Apr 02, 2013 2:05 pm

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. I wonder if it's acceptable to send a bill for such advice." The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

So, in the morning the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.

Then the next day the doctor received an invoice for twice the amount from the lawyer!
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