Clean jokes - 2013

[macliam]

... but back to Seamus.

There he was, in the country, with only his old jack russell for company - and then the dog dies.

So Seamus goes to the Priest and says "Father Murphy, would ye say a mass for me poor old dog's repose"

"Ah now, Seamus" says the Priest "we can't be saying prayers for animals in the church. But why don't yez go down to the Baptists - God knows what they believe!"

"That's grand" says Seamus "do you think 5000 euros will cover the expenses?"

"Sweet Mother of Jaysus," says Father Murphy "why didn't ye tell me the poor little mite was a Catholic!"

[macliam]

Seamus went off to visit his cousin in Dublin, but got lost. He arrived at the house in the middle of the night and near woke the neighbourhood trying to get in.

He spotted a brass gong hanging on the wall -"what's that yoke?" he asked

"Ara, that's me speakin' clock" says cousin Mickeen "I'll show ye"

So he takes the wooden mallet and bangs seven sorts out of the gong

.............and a voice from the other side of the wall shouts "For Chrissakes, not again - It's 3:15 in the morning!!

[macliam]

(Last one of the night )

Seamus went to visit his dog's grave.

So he called his cousin and said "D'ye know there's a fella of 136 buried by the side of the road?"

"Ye wha'," says the cousin "By the side of the road? Did he have no family?"

"Not around here anyways" says Seamus "All it says on his gravestone is "Miles from Dublin"


Goodnight - and may your God go with you....

[kevinchess1]

Seamus was off to London
As his is walking to the airport he passes old lady Mrs Dunn
'Seamus' shes says ' when you in London, if you see me sun Neighley ask him why he never writes to his poor old ma.'
'Cause i will Mrs Dunn, what his address?'
'It's London WC 1'
On landing at Heathrow Seamus sees a door with 'WC' written on
he makes his way down to the cubicle with ! on and bang on the door shouting
'Are you Neighley Dunn?'
'Yes' says a voice from within but there's no paper
'Well that's no excuse for not writing to yerr mother.'

[macliam]

At a depth of 100 metres, English archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and concluded that their ancestors had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone, Scottish archaeologists dug down to 200 metres and found traces of fibre-optic cable which they dated back 2000 years - and the Daily Record reported that the Picts already had a digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.

Seeing this, Professor O'Carroll published the results of his dig in Co. Mayo. Having excavated 500 metres down through bogland he had found absolutely nothing. This was proof, he said, that well before the destruction wrought by the English invasions the ancient Gaels were already using wireless technology!

[macliam]

Second cousin Nigel was visiting Seamus from over the water. One day they went for a walk by the lough.

"Ah, you Irish," said Nigel "take away the peace and quiet, the fresh air, the beautiful countryside, the relaxed way of life and the friendly locals and what would you have?"

"England" said Seamus

[macliam]

"What do the Irish do about our "Irishman" jokes?" asked Nigel

"Ara, we tell them about the Kerryman" said Seamus

"OK, so what do people in Kerry do about "Kerryman" jokes then?" asked Nigel

"They put them into books and sell them to Englishmen" said Seamus

[macliam]

Mastermind was being filmed in Kilrush, so Seamus applied - and to his surprise he was selected.
So he had to think of something he could answer questions about - and he decided on the Easter Rising, 1916.

His turn came up and the first question was asked
"Who led the Easter Rising in 1916?" - "Pass", said Seamus
"How many men were involved in the Easter rising, 1916?" - "Pass", said Seamus
"How long did the Easter Rising last?" - "Pass, said Seamus
................ and a voice came from the audience "That's right boy, tell 'em nothing!"

[macliam]

Sister Monica asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"I want to be a Priest" said Liam, with an angelic look in his face.

"I want to be a Nun" said Deidre, her eyes bright

"I want to be a Prostitute" said Siobhan ...

"You WHAT?!!" exclaimed Sister Monica in horror....

"I want to be a Prostitute" repeated little Siobhan

"Oh thank the Lord!!," said Sister Monica "I thought you said Protestant!!"

[1960mackem]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though.

It does everything -



KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."