Clean jokes - 2014

The light-hearted side of life
kevinchess1
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Clean jokes - 2014

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon Jan 06 2014 8:55am

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr. Moyes and Mr. Martínez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others. The second round was on Martínez, he bought everybody a San Miguel. The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint to the guys, except for Moyes.

Then Mr. Moyes said; Hey guys what about my pint...??? Rodgers looked at him and said: Sorry David, this is the fourth round, and you are not in it. :lol:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu Feb 06 2014 11:20pm

Someone asked me to say one thing positive about Switzerland :?
I said 'Well their flag is a big plus :lol:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Fri Mar 21 2014 5:40pm

Really not a fan of the new £1 coin. I don't like change
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Sun Mar 23 2014 12:50am

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by 1960mackem » Tue Mar 25 2014 10:57am

An Aussie Blonde


An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a
concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an
overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance
Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam
consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week
start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing
Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions
and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for
me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some
considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and
asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I
have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start
with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that
indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that
figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the
second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a
total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to
consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked
away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll
allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final
question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you
tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the
easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you
arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited
till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven..?

... You're singing it now, aren't you…??


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat May 17 2014 9:20pm

Steve Bruce caught 3 wild rabbits for his tea
didn't think he could manage to eat them all so he decided to
free two
instead :shock:


I asked Steve Bruce to take my dog for a walk and he lost him!
He can't hang on to a lead :?

Some of the Arsenal fans have flares :thumbup: which is what they were wearing when they last won the FA cup :D
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by rayf » Tue May 20 2014 2:52pm

blythburgh wrote:Quetsion: Why did the woman cross the road?

Answer: I do not know but what the heck is she doing out of the kitchen?
that's rather sexist - perhaps the washing machine was on the other side :oops:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by blythburgh » Wed May 21 2014 11:09am

rayf wrote:
blythburgh wrote:Quetsion: Why did the woman cross the road?

Answer: I do not know but what the heck is she doing out of the kitchen?
that's rather sexist - perhaps the washing machine was on the other side :oops:
OK I will l spare the feelings of those who think this is sexist and change it to:

Question: Why did Kev cross the road?

Answer: I do not know but what the heck is he doing out of the kitchen?
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by Mel » Wed May 21 2014 11:41am

blythburgh wrote: Question: Why did Kev cross the road?

Answer: I do not know but what the heck is he doing out of the kitchen?
I believe the correct answer is: To go to the pub to hear some new jokes to post.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sun Aug 17 2014 11:17pm

I've just invented an Irony machine :thumbup:
but It don't work :(
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