Over 18s jokes - 2011

[Denant]

I was on the pull last night in a bar , trying to be cool i went to put my hand through my hair when someone banged into me, 'bastard' i said as my hand went into my eye sending my glass eye flying on the dance floor, Lucky for me it bounced towards a blonde stunner with massive tits!
She picked up my glass eye and handed it me all clean and polished!
I said ' wow thankyou my sweetheart would you like a drink and maybe we head out for a curry or something?'
She said ' I bet you do say that to all the girls lol !'
I said 'no not really you just happened to catch my eye!'...

[HeadHunter]

I'm so homophobic I cant even bear to touch myself when masturbating.

So I get my mate Steve to do it for me.

[HeadHunter]

My next-door neighbour has just confronted me about some missing underwear from her washing line.

She was very aggressive.

I almost shat her pants!

[blythburgh]

This is in a survey that I am doing at the monent:

5. Which of the following do you to prepare your car for the winter months?

Top-up screen wash
Top-up anti-freeze
Keep jump leads in the boot
Replace the oil
Check the water
Carry a reflective jacket
Carry a warning triangle
Carry an ice-scraper
Carry de-icer
Give it a general clean
Carry warm clothing
Carry willies
Carry a shovel /spade
Put on winter tyres
Other

Personally I only "Carry willies" if there are at least 2 other men in the car.

[myfyr]

Not happy with the telly I got from Argos. Have a good mind to go and ask for my brick back.

[Mel]

A farmer bought a new cockerel, to the dismay of the old bird which had been servicing the farmers hens. The newcomer sympathised with the oldie, but said he'd have to accept that he was just past it. The veteran pleaded for a chance to prove he was still fit, and suggested a race around the farmyard. The other agreed and cockily gave him a start. A few minutes later, the farmer came out to see the old bird running desperately round the yard, with the young one in pursuit. Grabbing the newcomer, he wrung its neck, exclaiming: "Dang me! I've bought yet another queer cock!"

[Luke_PieStalker]

I here Walt Disney are goin to build Avatar land in Orlando

Dangerous giant topless blue-titted women speaking in weird dialects? Great!
Though you could save yourself some cash and go for a night out in Middleborough in December instead.

I would pay good money to be a part of the latter ( and i do). If you get drunk enough, your brain asks why there are blurry blue whales goosestepping down the highstreet at 3am. Then as your eyes focus, the fantasy is somewhat interupted by the tatoos across the neck and forehead. Interupted...or enchanced...depends how drunk you are really.

[Mel]

A couple are driving home and, in the pouring rain, they run over a badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up."

Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks."

Husband replies "Well hold the badger's nose then!"

[Mel]

That awkard moment when you goto grab someone Red hot and sexy
and end up head buttin the Mirror

You should have gone to Specsavers.

[Alec3720]

Sir Paul McCartney has fallen out with his new wife as she has spent twice the amount on shoes as his previous wife already!!!