Over 18s jokes - 2012

[Fuggsy]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"

[Fuggsy]

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.

"Straight, like normal," Ed said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."

"Shit," Ted said. "All these years I've been wringing it."

[kevinchess1]

Just got meself a BBC advent calender
If you open a door and see Jimmy Saville, you close it and say nothing

[Fuggsy]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[1960mackem]

2 fellas at the CPS talkin
'How confident are you that we will convict Stuart Hall?'
'Very very confident. there's no doubt in my mind!"'
'Okay then, we'll play our joker.'

Lol - looking through Wiki I noticed the special episodes and saw this one
14 April 1978 It's A Minors' Knockout

[Alec3720]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Fuggsy]

There was once a man whose wife had gone for a vacation. When she came back from her vacation, she finds that there are two panties in her dresser which do not belong to her.

Seeing this, she gets very angry and calls her husband and asks him ,'Whose panties are these?' Taken aback, he replies, 'I have no idea.'

She gets really irritated and asks him to tell the truth, and thereafter calls the maid. She questions the maid and asks her who these panties belong to.

The maid replies, "Madam, how do I know? These panties don't belong to me, I don't wear panties... ask your husband, if you don't believe me!"

[Fuggsy]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

[Alec3720]

Woman comes home with some ice cream and asks her husband if he wants some.

"How hard is it" he said

"As hard as you when you think of me" she replied

"ah go on then pour us a cup !!!!!"

[Fuggsy]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are my first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants revealing his treasure and says, "Well, look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"